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Bad News for Microsoft
Another setback. Award ceremonies canceled. Gloup gloup.
BRUXELLES (The Technological) -- Another setback came today for Microsoft when the Belgian based Ministry of Internet Transport and Information Exchange (MOITIÉ) announced the Redmond corporation had failed in their attempt to completely stifle all Internet communications.
Projections had held that by April Fool 2009 no legitimate mail traffic would any longer be able to pass and that a full 100% of all Internet SMTP mail would be spam generated by Microsoft Windows.
That figure reached only 97% - a full 3% short of the goal.
'97% is close but close only counts in horseshoes. Close doesn't even count in pie throwing', Noël Godin told The Technological. 'Unfortunately now we'll be forced to cancel our celebrations for later this year. This is extremely disappointing. And what a waste of sponge cake. Gloup gloup gloup.'
Eleven Years Ago
Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, and Microsoft heads of marketing and security were especially dejected by the news. Microsoft's own reports show they fell short of their goal by almost 3%. Surveys for the past half year showed Microsoft responsible for 97% of all Internet mail traffic - in the form of spam.
'Our browser share is down under 60% and our operating system share dipped below 90% last month - what is left for us?' asked a forlorn chief of security Cliff Evans. 'We really needed that 100% in spam - we can't survive without world domination for at least one technology sector. It's not in our corporate makeup. Ballmer's going to start throwing chairs again.'
It was 11 years ago (on 4 February 1998) when last Bill Gates was recognised by MOITIÉ's Godin with a tempête patissière.
That recognition may never come again. At least not for 2009. What a shame.
Some web experts are sceptic Microsoft were really that close anyway.
'To me it sounds like they've been cream puffing up the statistics again', said Graham Clueless of Microsoft subsidiary Skatos. 'Our own analysis showed they only had 81% - not at all what's needed for the MOITIÉ award.'
'People have to keep updating Windows and their Microsoft software for Microsoft to have a chance', added BBC News technology writer Darren Waters. 'Things aren't pie in the sky. Those zombies are needed. They're letting Bill Gates down.'
'There's always next year but next year might be too late', said Waters. 'Open source and Apple are gaining by leaps and bounds - they're incapable of generating spam or participating in botnets but still and all they're letting legitimate traffic through. And that's bad enough. Gloup gloup.'
'412. Most harmful of all is the message that Microsoft's actions have conveyed to every enterprise with the potential to innovate in the computer industry. Through its conduct toward Netscape, IBM, Compaq, Intel, and others, Microsoft has demonstrated that it will use its prodigious market power and immense profits to harm any firm that insists on pursuing initiatives that could intensify competition against one of Microsoft's core products. Microsoft's past success in hurting such companies and stifling innovation deters investment in technologies and businesses that exhibit the potential to threaten Microsoft. The result is that some innovations that would truly benefit consumers never occur for the sole reason that they do not coincide with Microsoft's self-interest.'
- Thomas Penfield Jackson US District Court District of Columbia Findings of Fact United States v Microsoft
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US Department of Justice: US v Microsoft Findings of Fact