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Jacqui Cheng has done the unforgivable: he's questioned the Almighty Grand Dragon Fanboy.

Please read on.

Succumbing to an increasingly deafening assault of articles at both Apple Defects and Rixstep - not to speak of the thousands (or millions) of wailing disappointed fanboys - Ars Technica's Cheng decided to FINALLY take a look at what's going on.

'When Apple's first generation of Intel-based laptops started rolling out, first with the MacBook Pro and then the MacBook a few months later, initial user reports seemed almost too good to be true. Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to run Mac OS X and Windows in a single bound!'

Ah, fanboy rhetoric. And they really like kinky guys in blue tights.

'All of that changed after units started shipping in quantity. In this report we look at the biggest quality control problems we've seen and heard in recent MONTHS [sic] then answer the question: are there quality control problems at Apple?'

Yeah that's a biggie, fanboy. It might also be pointed out that Cheng himself owns an Apple 'hottop' and has been long complaining of the thing shutting down with no forewarning at least once per day.

Think about that dear readers: for years Windoze users have complained about crashes and hangs - and loss of data. And the Ellen Feiss switcher ad made the rounds because doped up Ellen lost her data on Windoze.

But what can compare - seriously what can compare - to a computer just turning its lights out 'just like that' and leaving you hanging?

Do you want to risk YOUR WORK in this fashion? Make the choice: you either accept crappy old Windows with the occasional crash or hang which you can work around by regularly saving your files to disk - or you can accept the ultimate nightmare of the Apple 'hottop'.

Apple have succeeded, coming off the heritage and legacy of NeXT, in producing a computer that is FAR LESS USEABLE than any Wintel machine running Windows.

Think about it. And in the meantime, back to our story.

Cheng goes on to mention whining, heat, discolouration, fire starting exploding batteries, and logic board failures.

Cheng insists the whining is still a mystery but it's not: it's in the Intel processor. He also says the issue has been acknowledged, but that's really pushing things, and there's no cure anyway - the Intel CPU sucks. And maybe things will get better with cooler 64-bit Intels, but they'll still be Intels.

In taking up the heat issue, Cheng briefly delves into the thermal grease issue - a scandal if there ever was one and something Apple to this day refuse to comment on.

Cheng also cites the Apple knowledge base article where Apple are suddenly advising against using laptops on your lap. Considering the temperature of an Apple hottop can reach that of BOILING WATER, it's probably good advice.

Then you have the 'MagSafe' connectors literally melting. These are the connectors for the power supply and the 'Apple geniuses' were most likely instructed to dismiss it as 'improper use' or a 'cosmetic issue'.

Both colour MacBooks suffer from discolouration, and this one is easy to attribute: CHINA. It's now the picture becomes clear: Apple have relegated manufacture to the People's Dictatorship to cut costs and the Chinese mafia elite have decided to cut costs even further, and Apple have no QA people on location. The initial response from Apple was that the discolouration was due to 'improper use' [sic].

Batteries swell and explode - not surprisingly considering the solar temperatures. Apple have since recalled all batteries sold before May 2006.

'It would be foolish of Apple not to try to make things right IN THE HEARTS OF MAC LAPTOP USERS once again with another worldwide repair program.'

You gotta love that fanboy rhetoric!

And finally Cheng asks:

'What's going on here?'

And here's the punch line.

'Attempts to discuss the significance of these matters with Apple were ignored.'

Or how about this?

'It does appear that Apple pushed a little harder than their suppliers and design teams could handle.'

And finally:

'If Apple had taken their time on the pacing of these transitions and spent some more time on quality control before rolling out MacBooks to the masses, the year of Intel would be a big hit not just for Apple but for all of their customers too.'

Note the logic here: namely that all is not lost, for even if fanboys are hurt, THE COMPANY IS STILL STRONG.

It's just like a bee hive. A cult. The fanboys must watch out for and guard their Queen. And they all have to wear their talisman: the Apple 'hottop'.

No suffering is too great for a fanboy when the greater good of Apple is at stake.

OK, now let's get serious. Let's note some BLOODY OBVIOUS THINGS.

  1. All cited issues are sporadic. Either that or some fanboys are well brainwashed and will keep silent for the good of their Queen.
  2. If the issues are sporadic, then production is UNRELIABLE. If every unit leaving the Chinese factories suffered from the same issue, you'd have a 'DESIGN FLAW'. But this is not the case. This means Chinese production is erratic and SHITTY.
  3. Apple's policy has been to rush into Chinese Intel production to grab as much market share as possible.
  4. The issues cited above have circulated around the web FOR OVER HALF A YEAR. And although Apple have a notoriously arrogant attitude towards their minions, this is really stretching it.
  5. The unavoidable conclusion is that either Apple could predict these issues before production began or they soon came to realise they'd have them afterwards - and yet they didn't do the 'Gil Amelio thing' and stop production until they're resolved - THEY JUST KEEP ON SELLING. The customers? To quote Grand Dragon Fanboy Steve Jobs: 'fuck 'em [sic]'.
  6. Given the astounding reticence of the company, a company already known for such tactics, but a level of obstinate silence heretofore unknown even at Apple, there's only one conclusion to arrive at.
  7. APPLE HAVE LONG AGO DECIDED TO RIDE THIS STORM OUT. They're counting on their own media barrage to drown out the whinings of all the customers they've screwed - they're counting on being able to keep the momentum going - SCREW THE FANBOYS.

All the above is rather self-evident. So what can anyone recommend to a body planning to buy a new laptop right now?

  1. Under no circumstances buy an Apple. They're shit. The industry's never seen worse.
  2. Buy a Wintel - buy a GOOD Wintel. It will still be better quality to a much better price.
  3. And what OS should you run? Why not Windoze of course!

    https://shipit.ubuntu.com/ <-- click right here right now

    Order your free CDs NOW!
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