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Fuck shit piss cock cunt.
- Terry Southern
Fart poop drop wiz.
- Phillip Shoemaker, Apple Inc and GrayNoodle LLC
The stringent selection process at the Apple App Store is
despised notorious renowned.
Only the finest of the finest of iPhone and iPad apps can be selected for distribution.
A prime example of this thorough selection process is the software catalogue of one Phillip Shoemaker, CEO and founder of Gray Noodle LLC and currently in charge of the App Store app selection process at Apple Inc.
A selection of Shoemaker's paragon software titles is depicted below.
The above apps all meet the requirements of the Apple App Store. They are written in Objective-C, they do not trespass into realms of the Apple API where they are forbidden to go, and foremost they provide tangible utility for those intelligent enough to realise the miniscule fees of a mere few dollars yield amazing 'bang for buck'.
Apple App Store rules specify that no one employed to work with Apple's App Store can sell apps there. But exceptions can be made if the candidate in question should already have excellent software available prior to time of employment.
And exceptions can in rare cases also be made after time of employment if Apple management decide to give the green light.
One can then imagine what type of conversation took place when perusing Shoemaker's software catalogue.
'That Shoemaker has a few more apps he wants to sell at the App Store.'
'You mean *his* App Store - he manages the selection process today.'
'Whatever. He has a few additional titles to add and he needs our approval.'
'He doesn't already make enough with his stock options?'
'Oh goodness. Those new programs must be real winners.'
'Indeed. Titles like iWiz, Animal Farts, 101 Cocktails, Med Poetry, Biz Poetry, MoneyTimer, BlueFame.'
'Do any of those apps actually do anything constructive?'
'Well no. The website divides them into three categories: Productivity, Entertainment, and Utilities.'
'So what utilities does he offer?'
'How about Productivity?'
'He names two - MoneyTimer and Biz Poetry.'
'What do those two do?'
'MoneyTimer keeps track of the time and then evaluates the value based on how much your time is worth.'
'Sort of like Clock.app and Calculator.app combined.'
'Something like that.'
'And Biz Poetry?'
'Well the blurb goes like this:'
'Ever been at a loss of words in an important meeting? Ever wanted to dazzle your friends with the latest high tech lingo? Ever wanted to stump your peers with techno-gobbledygook? Business Poetry is just for you!'
'Sounds good to me. I could really use an app like that.'
'Agreed. The rest of his apps fall into the Entertainment category - which is where we have Med Poetry, 101 Cocktails, BlueFlame...'
'What does BlueFlame do?'
'It's called BlueFlame because blue is supposedly the colour of burning farts. But again the blurb:'
'We all know about the blue flame. The disgusting trick where you light your own, or somebody else's, gas. Disgusting as it is, it makes you laugh.'
'Yeah, it makes you laugh alright!'
'Don't interrupt. Again from the blurb:'
'Show the blue light when you're at concerts, or in a theater and are trying to find someplace to sit. It displays a flame flickering in the wind. Oh yeah, and sometimes the wind is from somebody's behind.'
'So it's a kind of Flurry screen saver effect with a few farts tossed in.'
'Exactly. Turn up your device volume and you can hear the farts.'
'Great. We need to be able to hear the farts.'
'How often does the app fart?'
'That's random. But you can shake the device to make it fart more often.'
'And the other titles?'
'Right. Well there's iWiz...'
'And it does what?'
'The blurb says it's another childish disgusting application...'
'Nothing about it being tasteless and moronic?'
'Uh... No. Not what I can see. But Shoemaker says he likes it because it makes him laugh'.
'It makes him laugh.'
'Right. You can make a nonstop urination sound and you can also set the fart threshold.'
'Right. You know: farting while you're pissing. Classic fun. And it's only $1.'
'Good price! How's it selling?'
'Pretty good I hear. I've seen a lot of people here at the Loop playing with it.'
'Productivity here must be way down.'
'Any cool animations? Like watching the asshole piss?'
'No, I don't think so.'
'So all Shoemaker's done is embed two or three sound files in the bundle and then loop them.'
'More or less. He's also got a pic of a European toilet - the ancient kind people piss and squat over to crap in. You can also control the pissing sound by lifting your device up and down or by shaking it. Works like it works when you're fiddling with your dick.'
'Doesn't sound like something for our female employees.'
'Yeah maybe not. But it's selling like apples.'
'Any more titles?'
'There's the classic Animal Farts.'
'Oh I heard of that one.'
'It's probably the most advanced app in the collection.'
'Yes really. It has Pandas pissing, rhinos shitting - lots of cool stuff. Shoemaker calls it childish and disgusting.'
'He uses that to describe all his apps.'
'Yeah but for this one he adds -sophomoric-.'
'Sophomoric implies second year of studies somewhere. That's a bit of a stretch.'
'So - do we let him sell these apps and keep his job as head of the App Store selection process?'
'Tough call. We can't ever let anyone know he works here. That must never get out. Never.'
'Of course not. We'll take care of it. Our middle names are Paranoia and Secrets.'
'People might still object of course. We've taken a lot of skin off the App Store.'
'You mean *Shoemaker's* taken a lot of skin off the App Store.'
'Well yeah. But people might ask why we don't allow mammary glands but think it's OK to show sphincters.'
'I think you're exaggerating the danger here. Most Americans are scared shitless of sex...'
'But they always enjoy tasteful potty talk.'
'Do you think Shoemaker's looking for venture capital? This is something I could really get behind.'
'I feel the same way. We'll tell him he can keep his job if we get a cut.'
'Good idea. I'm hungry now. Let's go to the cafeteria and get some fruit.'
Gizmodo: Apple's App Store Director Sells Fart Apps On the Side
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9 to 5 Mac: App Store Director Phillip Shoemaker sells Fart Apps and Urinating Simulators on his App Store