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Martian Commander Rethinking Earthly Ambitions

'Our people don't deserve such a fate.'


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CAPRI CHASMA (Rixstep) — His Exalted Correctness Gabor Kron, Chief Coordinator of the Mars Interplanetary Liberation Forces, has today announced he has called off the expedition into New Mexico. All outposts are to be closed and all sentinels returned home.

'The dumbfuck Earthlings aren't worth it', said Kron to Martian Universal Media Systems (MUMS). 'They're too fucking stupid.'

Anticipation of Post-Election Stress & Tumult

Kron found new interest in his planetary neighbour in the summer of 2016, when his staff began routine eavesdropping on news bulletins which suddenly began carrying stories about leaks from the Democratic National Committee and Hillary Clinton aide John Podesta. 'Those guys are so dumb', said Kron. 'There's no way our invasion would have failed.'

New Mexico Landing Strips

It's long been rumoured that Kron and his staff had been organising construction of remote landing strips in the southwest US state of New Mexico. 'We have a gay demographic here', he said, 'not unlike what they're going through in Hollywood: people who just want to leave, get out, go anywhere. We didn't think they'd be a bother in the desert there. They sure are a bother here.'

But reports from Kron's New Mexico rank and file about the US election campaigns began to worry the seasoned commander. 'We knew they were dumb over there', Krom said glumly, 'but we had no clue that anyone - even an earthling - could be that dumb.'

Hillary Hacked!

Kron laughs when reporters ask him about the earth domain clintonemail.com. 'Your earthling Julian Assange, one of the few smart people we've seen there, says that a fourteen-year-old could have hacked the Clinton email server. Well a two-year-old Martian could do it too - from here! That Clinton woman is so dumb, so dumb!'

Pizza by Podesta

'And her campaign aide John Podesta? He gets phished! Anybody should know better! And when asked to create a password, he gives them 'password'? Or 'p@ssword'? And people on our planet wonder why we're so dubious about those morons?'

Russian Ruse

But does Kron think it was the Russians who hacked Hillary? 'Let's be careful here', says His Correctness. 'To claim the Russians hadn't hacked Hillary when even Barack and Michelle's kids could hack her, when hundreds of script kiddies were in that system - that'd be an insult to the Russians! Or to Putin too - a great leader BTW!'

'It's obvious that Clinton ran out of options and excuses. She just didn't have the grey matter to deal with her own ineptitude - and her staff couldn't handle it much better. What fucking idiots.'

November Upset?

Kron isn't surprised by the November election results. 'Oh no!' he laughed, fairly enjoying himself. 'We can see things a lot more clearly from here. But for that matter', he added, 'even a shy earthbound ferret living in a hole on their planet can see things more clearly. I keep telling you they're idiots, but you don't seem to believe me!'

'But look what's happened since', Kron lamented. 'Militarily they're by far the most powerful - and downright dangerous - collection of sorry earthlings we can possibly imagine. The Shadow of George Soros darkens skies everywhere, with more riots, freak marches on their capital - they're insane! And they keep wanting to impose their silly immature way of life on others! Have you ever tasted Coke? Of course you have. And KFC. You've had a BIG MAC, right? Culture my arse!'

'And now out come the rednecks!' Kron looks forlorn. 'All their JESUS and GUNS and...' He pauses. 'Build that wall? Is that what they're saying? We can get through that wall if we want. We can get through any wall. The fucking morons don't realise that guns kill, and that's never good. Control your borders? Sure. But just listen to those people. They're fucking batshit! Fucking batshit!'

Orderly Retreat

So Kron will begin the New Mexico evacuation by this weekend. 'We can't put our detested minorities on such a planet. We might not like them much, but we don't hate them - certainly not that much. No Martian deserves such a fate.'

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