Agent 000 in East Jesus

Käbbel on the cape. Sail away, Swedish PM!

Get It Try It

EAST JESUS, NEW HAMPSHIRE (Rixstep) — Sweden's failure of a national leader, Stefan Löfven, the dropout welder who didn't want to be a leader, is entering the history books as the one who finally crushed the legendary Party of Palme, the Social Democrats. His party tanked in the polls again, now performing at a 100-year low. So what does one do in such a situation, with the elections less than two months away? One flees the country of course!

Although Swedish media were quiet about it, the Daily Mail were not. Stefan Löfven is basking in the glory of the Kennedys and Susan Sarandon on Cape Cod. He seems to be enjoying himself, Agent 000.

Someone who is not enjoying herself is renowned author Katerina Janouch, who is still home in a beleaguered Stockholm. She is not at all pleased. Löfven took this mild-mannered, universally beloved author, and turned her into a firebrand.

'The lying Greens, embarrassing celebs, and a hypocrite of a prime minister who's fled a sinking ship to party on a luxury yacht', writes Janouch. 'Far better to be rich and healthy, than sick and poor! That should be Löfven's new campaign slogan! Sweden, aka Absurdistan, keeps delivering high-class entertainment - and it'd be hilarious if it weren't the truth! So come along on our joyride through the week that was. One thing's certain: there'll be many more weeks to come, just like this one!'

And it really is a shame to see what's happened to this once-proud, once-beautiful country. And it's not something that had to happen either. But when a party - and a nation - have poor, not to say nonexistent, leadership: this is what happens. The welder who never finished his menial education, the party gofer who knows he wasn't suited to run the party - and said so - is suddenly standing for a photo opportunity with his hand on the shoulder of - Louise Sawyer? The mind boggles. The stomach turns.

Oh Integrity! Oh Integrity! Where the F art thou, Integrity?



'There's so much happening in Sweden right now that an editorial office run by one woman can't keep up', writes Katerina. 'So I'm going to give you a digest version of this week's events.'

1. G'day Yxskaft! Is this China? Delhi? I need a new paper!

Swedish media didn't want to write about it, but the Daily Mail, who have a Swede onboard, did. Here's little Stefan's trip to a fashionable resort in the US, right when he should be campaigning to keep his failure of a party afloat.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5929367/Swedish-PM-Stefan Löfven-looks-downbeat

'I get it', writes Katerina. 'Stefan needs to get away from reality for a while, away from a Sweden under attack! Getting knocked out of the World Cup wasn't cool, all the gang shootings on the streets of Small Town Sweden are a problem, and the fury of the citizenry: that really sucks. Far better to be rich and healthy, than sick and poor! That's his party's latest campaign slogan. Getting away in the summer is a human right! Stefan's within his rights! He grabs onto his wife Ulla and off they go, in a private jet, to the Hamptons! He can afford it - unlike all the other elderly who are trapped in Sweden, with crappy institutional food, and their care staff can't even speak the language as they wipe their butts. Sweden will have to manage on her own, he seems to be saying. To flee rather than remain and lose the battle - that works!'

'For who can forget last year's Transport scandal when Missing People were going to start a manhunt for him? Maybe he should be called the Reluctant Prime Minister? Or whatever. For on 9 September this year, the fairytale is at an end. Then there'll be lots of time for sailing for Stefan and his Ulla.'

'50-40-30', as Stefan used to say.

2. Isabella

'And Greens MP Isabella Lövin - officially the country's 'vice PM' - was caught with her fingers in the cookie jar again. Her green hubby drives a very environmentally unfriendly vehicle. Yet Isabella tells us that we shouldn't do that - we must be considerate of the environment! But Isabella can't be criticised. The rules don't apply to dear Isabella.'

'I remember', reminisces Katerina Janouch, 'back in the 1980s, when she worked with me in the offices of a weekly magazine in Stockholm. She was a sensible girl, a good journalist. Then she wrote a great book called 'Quiet Sea', about how the oceans were being ruined by too much fishing. So what happened to her? Isabella lost the plot - so disappointing.'

'Maybe that's why her party, the Greens, want to outlaw filling stations in the inner city: to get Isabella and her gas-guzzling husband to stop polluting the atmosphere with their outlandish cars? Isabella's husband is a sculptor, they say, but his public records list him as a naprapath? One thing is certain: the Lövins don't have just one car - they have FIVE! And each one is more environmentally unfriendly than the next.'

3. The Hammar

Another gem is Filip Hammar, once a fun guy who made TV shows with Fredrik Wikingsson, today a rough character who's more and more overtaken by pathological aggression. Filip let the tears flow in the evening tabloids, for his 'friends' weren't allowed to disturb the speeches of their political opponents. But then a clip surfaced where he can be seen doing the harassing himself, and not just against politicians, but the police! Filip's one of those who likes to play the 'racist' card to reduce grownup discussions to the infantile. And although Filip lives today in Los Angeles, at a comfortable distance from the misery of modern Sweden, he still thinks he knows more about what's going on back home than anyone. Filip? Have they not taught you anything over there about freedom of speech?

4. Absurdistan

Then we have the customary mix of gangland shootings, murders, things that pop up these days like berries in the woods. Our terrorism experts have long warned that IS terrorists, returning home and welcomed with open arms by Swedish authorities who give them driving licences, cash, housing, and protected new identities: these people can make trouble. And now it looks like the trouble's arrived. In the Wild West of Örebro, a part of that city given the notorious nickname 'Middle East', a returning terrorist is suspected of shooting and killing someone in broad daylight.

'I don't want to sound like an alarmist', writes Katerina, 'but it's hard not to do a facepalm.'

'And think for a second: they've let THOUSANDS of them back in the country!'

'To add: Sweden's extremists on the left regard IS terrorists as Swedish war veterans.'

'Do I need to mention the murders', asks Katerina rhetorically, 'the knifings, the sexual assaults, and the latest: the Gold Necklace Robberies! That's a new type pf crime in Sweden, you see, the formerly peaceful, borderline BORING Sweden.'

'Do I need to mention that social media are drowning in accounts from private citizens, who tell of the burglaries, the harassment, of what it feels like to never feel safe, of the fear, and of the raging fury at what's happened to a country that's no longer itself, a country that's become a haven for criminal clans, with a tension in the air powerful enough to knock out our power grid?'

'Take care of yourselves, good people!'

Hey Stefan, you fucking moron, you want to buy a fiddle?
 - Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus