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IE Se7en

The torture never stops; the ordeal is never over.

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) -- Speaking at the RSA Security conference this week, Microsoft Chief Lego Architect Bill Gates announced plans to release a new version of Internet Explorer with 'very advanced security technologies' to take care of viruses, spyware, and phishing scams.

Built with MS ActiveIntelligence®, IE7 will lexically analyse incoming mail and heuristically determine if the come-ons are legitimate or not - and if not, IE7 will issue a warning; if deemed legit, the new browser will automatically propel the user to the hyperlinked website, pluck the user's credit card information from a special Passport® database, and make the purchase - something Gates called 'MS One-Click® - a new innovation from Microsoft'.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, also present at the conference, immediately voiced his objection to Gates' claim. 'We have a patent on one-click and we will defend it', said Bezos.

Bezos was quickly countered by a suddenly retractive Gates. 'I only said it was our innovation - not our de novo innovation', the Microsoft VeeBee guru protested. 'I never claimed we actually invented it.'

Only last month eight new holes were found in the supposedly (finally) secure Microsoft flagship product, this despite obnoxiously loud boasts in the past that security was finally fixed - boasts the security crowd in San Francisco failed to take seriously even now.

'He is a fool and he will always be a fool but he is evil and a really rich fool - much too rich I think', said the Honourable Usama bin Laden, special guest of the US Department of Homeland Security for the RSA conference.

'He will not suffer the wrath of consumers because consumers have proven they are stupid, very dupable sheep. And he will continue to hurt people everywhere not only because he is a fool, not only because he is evil, but because the great mass of consumers are pathetic mislead idiots.'

Gates' revelation is also a complete about-face for both himself and his mongrel corporation, who for years have held firmly to the stance that IE did not need any updates and was not a security rut the size of the Grand Canyon.

Pundits believe Microsoft will use recent acquisitions to attempt to shore up the holes in Internet Explorer.

'Wow, if that were true, it would be a defining moment for them', commented former Netscape chairman Jim Clark.

'Up to now they've insisted on never using OPC - Other People's Code - no matter the temptation be overwhelming for other less conscionable organisations. Microsoft have been way too proud.'

'If that were true, it might change the topology of the entire software industry - it might unravel the very fabric of ethics we've come to look up to and depend on in Redmond.'

Despite being nowhere near the Microsoft product in terms of functionality, user-friendliness, standards compliance, and above all security, Mozilla Foundations's Firefox continues to eat away at the Microsoft product's market share - inexplicably, according to Bill Gates.

iPod users have long since been seen flocking to Apple in panic to be rid once and for all - as one switcher recently expressed it - 'of all those annoyances and real dangers not found anywhere in this Universe - except in the somewhat less than stellar and always more than unbelievable products of Traf-O-Data and their successors.'

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