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Hi I'm Rob Enderle
Thanks to our leak for finding this document. Evidently Mr Quotemill has changed sides. This speech is evidently slated for a coming Linux expo.
My name is Rob Enderle. Many of you will remember me for my caustic speech at the SCO Forum last August. I said a lot of foul mouthed things. In fact if any of you said I had shit in my mouth on that occasion, I'd probably have to say you were right.
Times change. I was on the payroll of SCO. They paid me well but they don't have a lot of money anymore. And Microsoft, another of my clients, aren't willing to pay for my services at SCO. Data trails and all that.
So I started hunting around for new clients and what do you know? IBM picked me up. And IBM are a big corporation - and when I say 'big' I mean 'really fucking big'. No bullshit about Big Blue. Money talks, bullshit walks. And IBM have the money for me to talk bullshit, so here I am.
And I've got to say that IBM are about the greatest company in the whole world. They really take care of their employees and their quality track record is second to none. And have you looked at this 'on demand' thing they have? It's bloody brilliant is what it is. Some pundits say no one can define what 'on demand' really is, but I have no problem with that: 'on demand' means 'on bloody demand'! It's like going into the drive in of your favourite fast food restaurant and ordering two super-size burgers with extra onions and a strawberry milkshake and a beer. Does anyone not know what you ordered? It's two super-size burgers with extra onions and a strawberry milkshake and a beer! And they fulfill your order 'on demand'!
Amazing how fucking stupid some people are. Anyway, I'm not here today to talk about the morons. I'm here to talk about Linux and open source - and even Apple's OS X, because that's open source too - sort of. And the guys at IBM have really opened my eyes.
Open source is going to win because it's the best development environment. Open source isn't necessarily cost-free, but it is free for anyone to look at. And that's where the big punch line comes in. And look at some of the people who've contributed to the open source community. Traceroute and tcpdump: would we even have these today without open source? Open source invented them! And the Internet itself, and Berkeley Bloody Fucking Sockets and the World Wide Fucking Web! That's all open source! So no one give me any shit about this anymore: tell me open source is not the best model and I'll tell you to go fuck yourself. In fact, you might make me so mad I start using foul language again.
Old Darryl McBride: he's a real cocksucker. Just like me he was on the payroll of Bill Gates. Oh, you're not going to find the data trail there because those guys at Microsoft were way clever this time. But it's there. There's a data trail all right. And a money trail. Microsoft are scared shitless about Linux and open source and IBM are the monster that can crush them so they know they have to fight dirty to survive. And who do they get? Some perennial loser from Mormon country called Darryl McBride.
I mean the name itself: who in their right mind names their kid 'Darryl'? It's like getting a sign painted on your forehead that says 'IDIOT'. Poor guy. He never had a chance. Just as well the dogs of war in Redmond picked him up.
And what's he been doing? What's he being paid to do? He's been paid to piss you off, you dumbfucks! What he says doesn't have to make sense - in fact it works better if it doesn't make any sense! Then you go worry your little pinheads over it and make all these elaborate qualified rebuttals - and they're just laughing their asses off at you! Wake up, you idiots! You're being suckered! How dense are you, anyway?
Anyway, that's all over. My part in it all at any rate. As for Darryl and Bill and Steve - they can go fuck themselves. That'll be the only sex they have all year. I couldn't give a damn about them anymore. They stink - they really stink.
Oh and did you know? Ballmer really stinks - I mean as in physically stinks. As in he has a terrible body odor. I think he bathes a lot but it doesn't help the man. He just smells bad. Awful. Something like burned ivory. Really nauseating. So if you're ever in the same room as him, stay the fuck away. Wave and make for the door.
We can make this world work. We have to remember that computing is not about making one little rich runt richer. It's about us being able to use the technology for what it's intended. And while IBM go on selling to the big corporations, we have our own little computers - which are plenty big enough for most of us - and we can do things our own way. And that way has to end up at the door of open source.
All the Linux distros are good - and OS X is good too. After all, it's the rock solid operating system Unix which won a technology medal for its creators only a few years ago, it's the one true multiuser system that can keep the hackers and crackers out. It's used by over 70% of all the websites online, including all the big players like Amazon and the rest. It's established. Berkeley Sockets were built on and for Unix. And Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie? I know them. They're two of my best and closest friends ever. And don't get me started singing their praises, for if you do I'll never stop!
We can all be secure today. We have to set Bill Gates afloat in a dingy off the coast of Seattle with a lunch in a brown paper bag and a single oar. We have to get rid of the rest of them - maybe a new trial with the DOJ to formally close the company - but we can do it.
The most important thing is you don't buy their junk anymore. Don't believe the hype they send out. Don't buy Vista when it comes. You'll hear a lot of hype. Microsoft have a lot more shills on the payroll ready to give interviews to the media and all that, pose as analysts - you know, the drill I'm infamous for. So be on your guard. Nothing's going to change. It's the same old shit. Don't believe it and when you see the suckers getting slammed by Vista, pulling out their hair and cursing Gates up the walls, you'll be glad you took my advice.
To all of you: carpe diem my friends! Continue to make a difference. Continue to make superior software. Being on the right side doesn't mean being on the easy side: sometimes there are bastards out there like I used to be. And to those of you not sure whether you should go the open source Unix route: buy a clue. It's the best decision you will ever make.
I'm Rob Enderle, and that is my opinion.
Oh Pamela - are you out there? Yeah hi! Let's have fucking lunch, OK?