Marianne Ny Retires

'Fresh air and sunlight can cure most ills.'

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GOTHENBURG/LONDON (Rixstep) — In a surprise move late last night, when most good Swedish people were fast asleep in their IKEA beds, and with visions of lingonberries dancing in their heads, Swedish Development Centre prosecutor Marianne Ny announced her immediate retirement.

'I can't take it anymore. This is just batshit crazy insane', she told public service radio.

Unfathomable Forms

Marianne Ny talked about her trials and tribulations these past five years, including difficulties she'd experienced in dealing with international law, something for which she hastens to point out she has not been formally trained.

'There was that frightful incident in December 2010', she said. 'All I was supposed to do was a tick in box. A tick in box. I couldn't get that right, not even that. I had to call in outside help from the US. Talk about embarrassing.'

Scolded by Supreme Court

Marianne Ny has been an object of ridicule for her lack of action in the case of Assange in Sweden. For years she held to the story that interviewing suspects abroad was illegal both by Swedish and British law, but of course that's not true.

'I was misquoted by TIME', Ny says. 'Most likely the reporter had a mis-memory. Thank goodness we were able to scrub Swedish news sites of the error.'

But Sweden's Supreme Court did scold Marianne for spending too many days at the beach and too little time at her workplace. Preliminary to reviewing the Assange case, the court asked for further clarifications from both Marianne Ny and her boss Anders Perklev, who both assured the court that Marianne Ny would indeed be going to London to interrogate Assange.

'It was either give in to reason and common sense or watch one of the cases run out in the sand', Ny told public service radio. 'That was not my fault.'

Based on her assurance that she would finally get her prosecutorial posterior over to Blighty, the court felt it was OK to uphold the warrant.

But then a curious thing happened: Marianne Ny didn't do as she promised, but instead let part of the case run out in the sand, to the relief of the complainant.

'I wasn't really interested in that part of the case anyway', Ny said. 'I'd have had to deal with evidence that was obviously fabricated. Claes [Borgström] told me he had a way to bullshit us past that one, but his suggestion wasn't exactly sober.'

A New Agreement

Nevertheless, Marianne Ny sent a policewoman and her assistant prosecutor to London to interview Assange, without getting clearance beforehand from the Ecuadorean authorities and their embassy in London.

'Well actually I gave them almost two full days to review and reply. That's not enough time?'

So policewoman Cecilia Redell and prosecutor assistant Ingrid Isgren traveled to London, but never turned up at the embassy.

'But there's a great place right around the corner. They bought some great toiletries for me there! The trip was of course free.'

And the Expressen photographer who was flown in from Paris for the occasion?

'Yes, I demanded - and got - a total media blackout on our visit. But I never talked to that photographer before in my life. We had a nice chat, but that's not relevant. Otherwise I have no idea what you're talking about.'

Following that fiasco, Sweden and Ecuador spent several months working out an agreement for mutual legal assistance. It's now been ratified by both countries. Marianne Ny said she'd get back once she'd completed her list of questions for Assange.

'These are new questions of course, not the old ones from 2014. I need totally new questions now. This takes a lot longer than I realised. Yes I'd said I'd be ready in two weeks, but people have no patience.'

Marianne Ny sent a new application to the government of Ecuador, but it was her first application from a year earlier, with parts that were no longer applicable simply crossed out. Ecuadorean officials were infuriated.

'I used a lead pencil! What's wrong with that?'

Retirement

And now Marianne Ny has thrown in the towel. She wants no further part of the case of Assange in Sweden.

'It's dominated my life for at least an hour per week all these years! No human being can withstand that pressure.'

And for the future?

'Que sera, sera, as one of my favourite songs goes. We shall see. My husband and I plan to spend a lot of time at the beach. Fresh air and sunlight can cure most ills.'

'And such a lovely beach we have here - we're sure to turn over many stones.'

See Also
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