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It's getting so you can't even turn on the news reader anymore.

Now it's some Japanese government official got skin burns from an exploding Apple hottop computer. And all the while fat-arsed Phil Schiller continues to deny there's anything wrong. I hope that Japanese government official sues off Phil Schiller's fat arse and the next Apple notebook to explode is Steve Jobs' own - maybe he'll lose that stupid designer beard of his. Maybe he'll go BALD like Rob Pike.

Speaking of which, who comes over from Google to Apple now? Why Eric Schmidt is who! Google CEO Eric Schmidt joins Apple's board of directors with luminaries such as Al Gore Inventor of the Internet - they should have fun together!

'I'm really looking forward to working with Steve and Apple's board to help with all of the amazing things Apple do', said an expectedly upbeat Schmidt upon the announcement. And if that's what Eric really wants to do, he should have fun. Amongst the 'amazing things' Apple do can be counted the following.

  • Totally fuck over the 2% fanboy demographic and keep on making billions selling revision A hardware to the suckers.
  • Reverse a corporate and global trend and reinstitute hardware lock-in to keep sales down to an all time low and market share to an almost invisible level.
  • Get royally shafted by long time partner IBM who just got plain sick and tired of Steve Jobs' madman antics.
  • Use a portable MP3 player to keep the company afloat as software and hardware sales absolutely suck and if left as the sole source of revenues would have stockholders demanding Steve Jobs' head.
  • Take a great system like NeXTSTEP and totally and irrevocably run it into the ground.
  • Reintroduce wide sweeping system incompatibilities which make it increasingly difficult for fanboys to communicate with other people on the Internet.
  • Sell the bait and switch AppleCare programme for serious cash and then instruct all employees to dismiss all complaints.
  • Totally fuck over the 2% fanboy demographic.
  • Totally fuck over the 2% fanboy demographic.
Whatever you do, Eric, remember: don't be evil. The BALLMER might come looking for you.


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