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Learn to Dance the Famous Swedish Two-Step™!
It's the rage that everyone's talking about!
You've heard about it on the radio, you've seen it on TV. But it's a difficult dance! So many steps and sudden changes and moves!
Follow this totally free tutorial so you too can be the dancer everyone's talking about!
- Assemble really putrid media. Tabloids and such. Hire on scumbags like Niklas Svensson. Get editors-in-chief like Thomas Mattsson. Get ready!
- Praise Julian Assange every chance you get! After all, he's the modern hero! You saw him in Oslo and at that TED talk in Oxford. He still hasn't recognised Sweden's big part in it all, but he will!
- Follow Assange around town when he arrives. Use one's contacts in the secret services.
- Get a whiff of a scandal? Use it! The politicians are in deep shit back in August 2010; they need help! Distract the citizenry with a new story that doesn't reflect on them or get their duck feathers all mottled.
- Keep your secret weapon - Jantelagen, the national counterpart to Tall Poppy Syndrome - hidden with one hand behind your back.
- Assange thinks he's safe in sleepy Sweden, especially in sleepy August. Too good to be true!
- Watch the feminist women swoon all over him. Shadow him when one of them yanks him away to her place of work (a big screen cinema).
- Arrange a party in his honour. Invite all your weird friends. Tell no one you're about to accuse him of a crime he didn't commit the night before.
- Make sure you have a good supply of condoms at home.
- Carry on as usual.
- Watch Assange sign a colo agreement with Rick Falkvinge. Make sure you get yourself in the official photo. (This can be redacted later.)
- Work with your friends at that feminist blog on a screed to crush Assange. You can publish early - redactions mean nothing in the pond.
- Watch how two girls approach a friend at a police station in town. Spend hours doing who knows what, then let the on-duty prosecutor issue an APB for Assange's arrest. Comb the nightclubs in search for him, despite the fact that no one's in town yet, they're all still hurrying home after work.
- When the police tell you that Assange has been arrested in absentia, break down in tears and complain that you never wanted to accuse him of anything.
- When the police ring you the following day to ask about a condom used over a week earlier, tell them convincingly that you still have it - then get to work fast with one of the new ones you have on hand.
- Make sure the Swedish media never write about this once the lab results are in.
- Let Assange hire on the country's most prominent attorney, who is immediately swamped with international queries, because this kind of ridiculous thing can't happen in Sweden, can it?
- But at the same time, get cooking, as this type of scandal isn't good for the country's international reputation. So contact the country's leading prosecutor and have her look at the case file.
- It's OK that she sees through the bullshit and calls off the hunt - we have more dance steps to use!
- Bring in the country's most (only?) disgraced lawyer (from the Quick and Toblerone scandals) to trigger things into motion again. He's good buddies with a crazed feminist prosecutor with zip chops who can override previous decisions.
- Immediately issue a press release that states that you have no information at all.
- Let a spokesperson be interviewed by the global media. Don't worry that the global media are laughing at you.
- Start to freeze things down. Drag things out as much as possible. 'Speedy investigation' isn't on the agenda. And don't worry about Assange's visa - just keep him hanging on (and more and more harried).
- So when Assange finally asks if he can leave the country to go about his business, tell him it's OK - then as soon as he packs to leave, issue a warrant for his arrest again. Only don't disclose this arrest to anyone. Certainly not the airport. But make sure the secret police are informed - Assange has a shitload of notebooks with him, and friends in the US would love to get their hands on them!
- When Assange later files a complaint about his missing computers, just let the case fall apart by questioning the wrong people until people forget the whole thing.
- Crank up the volume on Assange antagonism. He's a global hero - he must be destroyed. Use that corrupt lawyer. Lots of airtime on state TV. Their clips go offline in weeks - no tracks to wipe clean.
- Word of mouth is important too. Together with the Tall Poppy Syndrome, this is very effective. Someone knows someone who's spoken with someone who had contact with someone who once met someone who knows those girls, and Assange is a filthy inconsiderate chauvinist pig bastard. Pluck the strings of the local man-hating feminist guerillas. Get help from the global Mockingbird media too. Bill Keller surely will help; so will David Leigh and that mini-David, James Ball, who won a job at David's paper by stealing a file from Assange attorney Jennifer Robinson.
- Assange says he's coming back in the beginning of October - good! Plan an ambush! Get the media involved! The one thing that eluded them the first time - it's going to be theirs now! A juicy two-page spread photograph of JULIAN ASSANGE BEING LED AWAY IN HANDCUFFS! He won't suspect a thing! He'll turn up for his talk and then ZAP! We got him!
- (Something happens of course. The best laid plans of ducks sometimes go awry.)
- Assange has the support of the country's leading radical feminist, but let's not write too much about that. In fact, let's write as little as possible about what Assange is really doing. And let's make sure to separate Assange from WikiLeaks, even though WikiLeaks has been his baby all along.
- Keep in mind that the nation has strategic alliances with the US. And thereby with NATO. The prime minister was keynote speaker at the recent NATO summit, don't forget. As for the foreign minister's collaboration with the US, let's just hope Assange doesn't have the dope on that too!
- Can we somehow get to that idiot Daniel Berg? We can publish his book; he'll be grateful for that. We can invite him to Sweden and spread more propaganda in our media.
- Get a few Bonnier writers to start a campaign to kill off Assange forever. Plan it meticulously but never mention Assange by name. Give volunteers help in writing pieces in the various lengths the media will accept. Choose a MONDAY to hit hundreds of papers at the same time - it's their slowest day with most ducks calling in sick with a 'tummy ache' (Swedish code for 'hangover').
- Get this campaign out in time to hopefully influence the pending decision whether Assange is to be granted bail and escape Wandsworth. (It wasn't fast enough, but the Swedes did all they could to stop his bail - you gotta show the US you're making an effort!)
- Now here's a catch: the EAW you want to use to keep him in custody actually presumes charges have been brought. The people back home know this has not happened, so you don't lie to them - you tell them the truth. But to the British courts you say 'well I was planning on bringing charges!' Which of course is more bullshit, as you haven't even heard what he has to say, as you have precisely no evidence of crime whatsoever, and as your case is contaminated by falsified evidence. But no matter: the Swedes can be good at English, but they never read the global media, preferring the tabloids at home, sometimes used only to hide their faces from others on the trains taking them home from work in the evenings.
- (Swedish journalism is mostly an oxymoron: a great quantity of stories are taken from the global media, often without a tip of the hat. But the Swedish journos aren't going to bother reading through lengthy pieces - skim a paragraph or two and summarise in 200 words or less. Perfect tabloid pabulum!)
- (Tabloid pages are roughly 75% advertising. The actual 'articles' are placed in the middle, with ads up, down, left, and right. 200 words is almost too much, but your readers don't want more anyway: they're not interested in the world around them. If they were, they wouldn't read those bloody tabloids in the first place!)
- Amnesty come out with support for Assange - unexpected move! So get the Swedish Amnesty office mobilised! Stage a big Punch and Judy on Twitter that can lead to the Swedish office DENOUNCING the global HQ!
- Eva Joly's coming to town! Whoah! Everyone knows who she is, right? She's the Norwegian au pair who stayed on in France, became a jurist, and hunted down some of the country's most corrupt criminals and politicians! And now she's coming to Sweden? She seems to have detected the same olfactory insult here! So let MALOU interview her, but for goodness sakes don't give it any legs! And when she wants to contact the Swedish prosecutor - ignore her! Don't let her through the door! And as for that international petition undersigned by 60 organisations supporting Assange - hey same thing! Just ignore them! Wahoo!
- (One thing's for sure: they're pleased in the US! Hague had the same dilemma - they wanted him to storm the Ecuador embassy! It's hard to please those yanks! But you KNOW you GOTTA do it!)
- Now we come to one of the most important parts of the two-step: why Assange, deep in this ridiculous mess, cannot be allowed to give his version of events from the UK (or from the safety later on of the Ecuador embassy). Start by telling TIME Magazine that it's ILLEGAL. Of course this is bullshit, and even worse is coming through the pursed lips of the crazed prosecutor, so when the local media pick up on the story from the global media, BURY IT. Get them to either remove their articles completely or redact the fuck out of them.
- Next: when Assange attorney Jen Robinson confronts the blue-blood Bildt in Sweden, let him tell her that leaving the country for interrogations is UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Hey that won't hold long either, so when next anyone asks, just tell them to BUGGER OFF.
- And when Assange finally finds the two best attorneys in the country...
- Thomas Olsson was a hero who specialised in uncovering corruption in the country's myriad sex cases. But he quit! He said couldn't stomach it anymore! They turned the nation's courtrooms into Greek theatre! But now he's back and coincidentally he's unravelling the ugly Quick scandal and several others of the same lowly caliber.
- Per E Samuelson wrote the Swedish book on courtroom examination. Anyone who heard how he plucked apart the moron from the IFPI in the trial of The Pirate Bay knows how good he is. Soft-spoken, he eases his target into areas only he understands at the time. Then later when the coins come dropping down their appointed slots...
- So now it's time to attack the very warrant that keeps Assange in legal limbo. The case is brought before the lower court; a single 'judge' listens to the complex case all day - and then within minutes has a PRINTED VERDICT!
- On to the appeals court. Something weird happens here. The judges uphold the librarian from the first court, but they also say that MARIANNE NY is fucking up. Whoah.
- And so onto the SUPREME COURT. You know, that place where the clown Lambertz gets drunk every day. This is a tight situation for the Swedes: the appeals court said Marianne Ny had to DO SOMETHING... If she doesn't do something now, the Supreme Court might rule against her (and in Assange's favour).
- SO OUT OF NOWHERE, OUT OF AN INNOCENT SCANDINAVIAN BLUE SKY, COMES A COMPLETE REVERSAL. This is an important step in the dance - perhaps its most important ever. Check your printed dance patterns.
- When asked why she's suddenly in favour of going to London after all, Marianne Ny claims 'things have changed'. What things? She really won't say. But she hints it's about a statute of limitations on the misdemeanour allegation. So Marianne Ny is prepared to do something illegal, even unconstitutional according to Carl Bildt, for a misdemeanour? Right.
- This gives the dance queen Marianne Ny enough breathing space for the hearing in the Supreme Court. She's said she's going to London, right? No need to rescind the warrant then! But of course this is yet another stinky move: Marianne Ny submits her request to Ecuador in her own name, which of course is not the way you do it - the foreign office has to do that! So things are again thankfully delayed. And in the meantime, the Supreme Court uphold the previous two decisions.
- Swedes don't want to hear about Assange anymore. They're so embarrassed about it all that they just want the whole thing to bloody go away!
- Anytime anything happens in the world of WikiLeaks, it's incumbent on the media to remind people that Julian Assange is still wanted for questioning on VERY SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS. And that he's not resident at the Ecuador embassy - he's hiding there.
- The Swedes loved Edward Snowden. Why? Because they could give him an award! The fact that it was Sarah Harrison and Julian Assange who got Snowden to safety WAS COMPLETELY AIRBRUSHED OUT OF THE SWEDISH NARRATIVE.
Another month and it's time for crayfish again.