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Windows Workshop

Answers to frequently asked questions about keeping your MS® system in trim.


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Q: I've read at your site that a bloated Registry can slow down my computer over time, and I'm beginning to experience this as well. I have a Dell Desperation with an Intel MXGGX Pentium running at 145 GHz but even opening Notepad takes more than a minute these days. How do I go about de-bloating my Registry and getting my Dell system back up to speed again?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I'm running out of disk space. I checked with my Ad-Aware and saw that I currently have 1,043,068 objects in Quarantine. Are these objects eating away at my precious disk free space? Can I remove them from Quarantine again? Will I get back my disk free space then? Or should I just destroy them - or maybe I need to keep them around? Answer please - I have no more disk free space!

A: You should definitely keep the objects in your Ad-Aware Quarantine. They do not take any disk free space. Freeing them would destroy your computer. But get a Mac.

Q: Somebody on IP 192.68.20.20 keeps pinging my computer. I have sensitive FBI files here and I am worried someone will find them and sell them to an enemy of this country such as a terrorist. Can you protect me?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I am currently looking at a hardware upgrade and am torn between Gateway, Dell, and Acer. Do you have any recommendations? The Acer comes with a $19 mail-in rebate and the Gateway comes with a free CD-ROM drive.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I have been looking at Apple computers but don't think the time is right for me to make the switch yet. Do you think I should try Linux first, and if so, which of the Linux desktops do you recommend - GNOME or KDE? Thank you.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Can you tell me what Alexa is please. It keeps turning up in my list of system processes.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: What is the difference between the drive letter C and the drive letter D?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: We were watching Gilmore Girls on TV last night and one of the guest stars looked like Sydney. Was that her?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I ate at KFC last night and this morning I have heartburn. Do you think I should see my doctor?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I am sick and tired of you guys (and girls) bashing Microsoft. I mean where would this great country of ours be without Bill Gates? Bill Gates gives a lot of money to charity. He is always helping the poor. In other countries the poor can go blow - but here this doesn't happen. Also, what's wrong with being rich? So I want you all to GROW UP!

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Hey man i want to attack a website pls send some code man thx a lot man.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I DOWNLOADED AND INSTALLED EVIDENCE-ELIMINATOR BUT IT DIDNT WORK SO I UNINSTALLED IT AND NOW THERES A BIG BLACK GUY BEHIND BARS LOOKING AT ME EVERY TIME I RESTART MY COMPUTER HE NEVER GOES AWAY HE LOOKS MEAN HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO DO BAD THINGS TO ME UNDER HIS PICTURE IT SAYS PICK UP MY BAR OF SOAP PUNK HE NEVER GOES AWAY THE PICTURE IS ALWAYS ABOVE ALL MY OTHER WINDOWS I CANT SEE MY OTHER WINDOWS I CANT EVEN SEE MY PAPERCLIP I AM WRITING THIS AT THE BOTTOM OF MY SCREEN ITS ABOUT HALF AN INCH OF SPACE SHIT THIS IS A BITCH ITS HARD TO SEE I CANT WORK LIKE THIS CAN YOU HELP PLEASE HELP PS I USE AOL DONT KNOW IF YOU KNEW THAT

A: Get a Mac.

Q: What exactly is SPAM? What does SPAM stand for? Does it hurt my computer?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Your website says there are no viruses for the Mac but my friends tell me there are.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Should I get a Mac now or do you think it might be worth waiting for Longhorn? Bill Gates has promised Longhorn will have no bugs and no vulnerabilities.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I'd really like to get a Mac but right now they're too expensive. I'm running my Sinclair Spectrum and Atari 400 with a couple of FPU afterburners I got at TRS and the speed's OK for now but I need a few pointers on how to stay out of trouble.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Is is true that I can get my identity stolen if I use Windows?

A: You are not who you say you are. Get a Mac.

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    You own that computer?
    Yeah sure you do
    Sucker

Q: I need Microsoft Office if I get a Mac. Do Microsoft make Microsoft Office for OS X?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: i want to get a mac but i need my games and my favourite game is freecell and i went by macupdate and looked at the open source version for the mac but i didn't like it so i copied out my freecell from windows onto a floppy and took it into an apple store - but did you know? apple computers don't have floppy drives! so they don't have everything after all do they? anyway, i couldn't get the diskette into the bay (slot loading superdrive) so i pried open the bakelite and put the thing inside of it through and that did load but it said some dlls or something were missing. can i get these files for the macintosh so i can run my own freecell? ps do you know where the shift key is on a microsoft keyboard?

A: Get a clue. Get two.

Q: Your site says it's dangerous to run Internet Explorer. I don't believe you.

A: Don't. But get a Mac.

Q: Is Opera available for the Mac? Opera is my favourite browser. I like tabs.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Do you know when Ad-Aware for the Macintosh will be released?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: When I try to go to MSN Search a porn site pops up. Can you help?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: If I get a Mac then I'll probably use Safari for web browsing but there are so many sites that say 'this site optimised for Internet Explorer'. Will I still be able to access these sites?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Is Internet Explorer available for the Mac?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: You keep saying the Mac is more secure but how can any computer be secure or not? It depends on how you take care of your computer and it depends on how many users there are. If the Mac were as popular as Windows there would be twenty times as many viruses out there - come on, admit it!

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Can I run Windows on a Macintosh?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: I have a friend who really needs your help. He's running 98SE.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Every time I restart my computer there's a blue screen that says I didn't shut my computer down properly and then it starts scanning my disks (?) and then there's this bar at the bottom - and it fills up S-L-O-W-L-Y, it takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R - all I want to do is GET ONLINE! What am I doing wrong?

A: Get a Mac.

Q: My boss says he will never let us get Macs.

A: Get a Mac.

Q: Who writes open source anyway? Microsoft stand behind their code.

A: Get a Mac, fatso.

Q: You people steal your software.

A: Albuquerque Police? He's here. Do you want us to hold him? We'll be glad to use unnecessary violence if you want.

Q: Why can't I call myself 'baroness'?

A: Because the English never liked you, French. Get over it. Eat some cake.

Q: OS X will never replace Windows.

A: Get a Mac.

*Rixstep recommend Microsoft® Windows® XP® Professional® for organised crime.

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