Dudley Dursley's Dilemma

Little Dudley Dursley lives with his mother Petunia and his father Vernon. And Little Dudley Dursley's actually not so little at all. He's fat. Orca fat. And he's a slob. A really totally spoiled rotten disgusting little fat slob.

Dudley gets everything he wants. If he ever didn't, that's all in the past now. He can whine and stamp and scream and Petunia and Vernon know it. So today he gets everything.

Well almost. For there is namely one thing Dudley Dursley cannot get, one thing Petunia and Vernon cannot give him, no matter how much he stomps and screams and whines. It's called 'magic' and it's connected to his one real problem.

And that problem is Harry Potter.

Harry Potter lives with Dudley and Petunia and Vernon when he's not in school. Dudley doesn't like Harry and Petunia doesn't either and Vernon doesn't either.

But Harry Potter is a true magician and Dudley doesn't know anything about magic but he wishes he did. Dudley's never been to the kind of school Harry Potter goes to. Dudley goes to a dumb school where his teachers know he is dumb and therefore only teach him dumb things. And if he were any smarter it wouldn't matter, for Dudley's teachers are dumb too. Dudley is not about to learn anything, and certainly not magic.

But when Harry is away at magic school his cupboard under the stairs is empty, and Dudley can sneak into Harry's cupboard and take what he wants when Petunia and Vernon are asleep. And he does too. Anytime he wants. And he's found a few books on magic, taken them to his room, and studied them intensely.

Now little Dudley is not particularly talented, so he didn't learn all that much, but he did learn how to fake magic real good. And so he set up shop, selling his services to the neighbours. And Dudley's neighbours, who were not any smarter than Dudley, ate it up. Dudley did well.

One night Harry Potter and his friend Ron Weasley were going out for a walk when they saw a strange thing through the window.

'Look!' said Harry to Ron. 'It's some form of primitive magic!'

'Oh Harry!' exclaimed Ron. 'It's ghastly! I wonder who's doing that!'

For Ron could see it too, and whoever it was, they were perpetrating a bluff all right - they were pulling the virtual wool over someone's eyes.

'Harry!' yelped Ron. 'Did you see that? It was a PASSWORD!'

Harry stared out the window in disbelief. 'It was sent in the clear, wasn't it, Ron?'

'Yes it was!' said Ron, gritting his teeth. 'In the clear!'

'We must do something!' said Harry.

Harry went back and got his lantern and he and Ron set out across the swamp in search of the bogus magician. But the path was misty and it soon became apparent the person they sought had escaped. So they returned to their school and knocked on the door of Professor Minerva.

Minerva listened to the boys' excited story and decided that to sort things out properly it was best to enlist the help of the sorting hat.

Minerva called in the sorting hat and together they talked for several minutes. At last the hat spoke.

'You boys don't suspect anyone in particular, do you?'

'It can't be a real magician', Ron said. 'A real magician would never do anything so ghastly.'

'I agree', said the hat. 'So I gather you rule out - Draco Malfoy?'

Harry nodded. 'Unfortunately yes. Even Draco wouldn't stoop to something this low.'

All were lost in a deep study when suddenly Minerva started up. 'Boys! Boys! I think I know! Of course! Wait right here!'

Minerva opened her bedroom window and flew out into the night. Within minutes she was back, holding Dudley Dursley by the nape of his neck.

'Here's your culprit! she announced victoriously. 'Here's your bogus magician sending passwords in the clear!'

'Dudley!' Harry blurted. 'You?'

'I'm afraid so', said the sorting hat. 'Dudley's been scripting your magic while you were away at school and selling it to the neighbours!'

Harry stared at Dudley in disbelief. 'But in the clear! He's been sending passwords in the clear!'

'Did he know?' Ron asked the hat. 'Did he know what he was doing? How dangerous it was?'

'Of course the little scoundrel knew!' said an angry Minerva. 'He's known all along! But he wasn't about to tell anyone, was he? And lose all his customers!'

Dudley started to whine. Then he began whining louder. 'They wouldn't let me go to Harry's school', he whined. 'I had no choice!' Dudley began stomping his feet. Then he started to scream.

Minerva looked sternly at the fat boy. 'You always have a choice, young man! Always! You do not have to deceive anyone! You should not be practicing magic anyway! Shame!'

Harry took out his wand and waved it at Dudley. At once Dudley was silent; then there was a cloud of smoke; when the smoke cleared, Dudley was gone.

'Oh Harry!' yelped Ron. 'What magic! Where did you send him?'

'Somewhere he won't bother anyone ever again', grinned Harry. 'A place called Redmond, Washington.'

Editor's Note

The recent revelation at SecurityFocus that OS X AppleScript applications such as Carbon Copy Cloner, Cocktail, and OnyX are sending admin passwords in the clear is evidently something that's been known for some time within the 'AppleScript community'.

These so-called 'programmers' have all along blamed Apple for the vulnerability as there is no way short of abandoning AppleScript entirely that an admin password can be injected into Unix. Caught between informing users of the hole, rewriting their software as native OS X applications, and losing their customer base and sales, they opted to do nothing - only to keep silent.

And feel sorry for themselves.

See Also
More Shakers
Cocktail Shaker
The Wizards of OS X