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The Sky is Falling

It's been said Maccies are continually alerting the rest of the world to the fact the sky is falling. Maybe their dream is about to come true.


Steve Jobs left Apple shortly after the Macintosh hit the market. He was first sent to Siberia, and then he left completely for Redwood City. For twelve years he led the team that put together NeXTSTEP. Apple meanwhile stagnated under Sculley.

Steve Jobs was not at Apple for any of the 'Mac' years save the first. He was around long enough to port the Lisa idea to madman Jef's Mac idea and work with Warnock to invent DTP, but after that he was gone. The Steve Jobs of NeXT is an important figure; the Steve Jobs of Apple is irrelevant.

If Steve Jobs had remained at Apple, things would not have gone the way they did. We'd never have had 'The Cult of the Mac' or Maccies or anything close to that. Steve Jobs would have made the Maccies eat shit and die.

Apple tried for ten years to create their own operating system but failed miserably. Another great project in Cupertino that had to be scrapped. This was parallel with the successes of NeXT Computer in Redwood City.

MacOS was released in 1984, Windows in 1985. Windows started on inferior hardware but of course the Maccies saw this as their own credit. Over the years Windows got better and MacOS got worse.

Windows, that user unfriendly system Maccies like to stick their tongues out at, never asked the user to manually configure the RAM applications would use. Even in its most infantile form Windows used more sophisticated memory management. The relative ease of using Windows over MacOS was not due to any brilliant programming in Redmond but to the hemp sandaled wanking in Cupertino.

Windows never had kernel extension cruft. Windows might have crashed but it never crashed as bad as MacOS and it never will.

Windows might be vulnerable as hell on the Internet, but if someone was dumb enough to proliferate MacOS on the Internet it would be squashed in a matter of seconds and in ways even Windows wouldn't collapse.

Steve Jobs' idea with NeXTSTEP was to give something sophisticated to the world of academia. When NeXTSTEP came to Cupertino, the Apple HI group began to systematically dismantle all the sophisticated features of NeXTSTEP. This means the Apple HI group know Maccies are stupid.

When Steve Jobs returned to Apple, the Maccies booed him. That's right: they booed. And yet it's these self-same Maccies who today act so protective of him. With friends like the Maccies, Steve Jobs doesn't need any enemies.

Apple were months away from bankruptcy when Steve Jobs and NeXT came to them. They had nothing; everything since then has been Steve Jobs and NeXT.

The plurality of Apple management today come from NeXT.

NeXTSTEP is universally regarded as a 'gem' of an operating system. Adepts wouldn't even call old MacOS an operating system, because it wasn't.

MacOS doesn't even exist anymore — and this hurts the Maccies a lot. There is OPENSTEP on the top, and there is FreeBSD on the bottom. That's Unix. There are a lot of old 'MacOS' things wired into FreeBSD, but it's not MacOS.

Either MacOS is running in the GUI layer or it's at the fundament of OS X. But it's neither. The fundament is FreeBSD. All the Apple ad blurbs say 'the power of Unix' or whatever and they have that brushed metal icon of Unix. And they talk a lot about 'Darwin' which is Apple's branch of FreeBSD. Nobody says 'the power of MacOS' because no one likes being laughed at.

There is only OPENSTEP and FreeBSD. Everything else is a concession to the incredibly vociferous whiners who won't give up the ship. There hasn't been any decent release of 'MacOS' in over ten years because MacOS sucks and MacOS is dead.

Even David Pogue says MacOS doesn't exist anymore, that old MacOS was horrible code. And he's right. Even David Pogue says you have to understand you're running Unix now. But the Maccies still don't listen.

The Maccies waited ten years for their new operating system and then booed the co-founder of Apple. Everything since has been downhill.

Maccies like to think they're the downtrodden but they're not: no one wants to step on shit.

Maccies like to line up outside an Apple store on the eve of a product release because they don't get out much. The exposure to outdoor air is good for their skin. They like to share experiences with other Maccies and say things like 'the Mac is great' and 'Steve Jobs is charisma' and 'did you see the keynote from the WWDC wasn't it awesome'.

The Maccies are in need of serious psychotherapeutic help, but it's probably futile. Most of them smell bad. They ruin every party they're dragged along to.

The worst of the Maccies like to hang out at places like Perversion Tracker and post things like 'I have a big weiner' [sic] which of course is a lie. The guy and his girlfriend who run the site came out with one program of their own years ago but that's it. And that program was an ugly dog, far uglier than the guy's girlfriend.

Only half of the Maccies are homosexual: the other half are namely their boyfriends and girlfriends. A few Maccies have no sex at all.

Maccies are so stupid they still think they're running MacOS. They say things like 'it's a Mac thing — you wouldn't understand'. People laugh at them.

Maccies are so stupid they think the world of computing is all about a little beige box.

Maccies have unusually small penises. When asked to comment on this, they invariably quip back: 'you wouldn't understand — it's a Mac thing'.

By this time next year there will be a proposition before the WWF to get Maccies listed as an endangered species. Steve Jobs will fly to New York to visit with the WWF and have them reject the proposition. The WWF will agree and instead declare a world wide open hunting season on them to help the planet's ecology.

By this time the year after that or perhaps the year after that or possibly even so much as the year after that there will be no Maccies left on the planet. School books will have grainy, out of focus, low resolution pictures of them with teensy weensy captions underneath. No questions pertaining to them will ever be used on exams.

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