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Fawlty Bill

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Say goodbye to European opulence forever. Bill Gates is attempting to buy the Four Seasons hotel chain the flagship of which is the George V in Paris.

Starting now room service will fail, hot water won't run, cold water won't run, windows won't open, your cold drinks will be tepid, and your hot drinks and meals will be cold. And you'll be told it's intentional - a 'de novo innovation'™.

Your room won't be ready when you arrive and your bill won't be ready when you leave (and you'll be overcharged too). Starting now you'll get phone calls from Four Seasons marketing all night long asking you to upgrade to more expensive accommodations and explaining you can't go on sleeping where you are.

Starting now you'll be paying for dinners at the hotel's Le Cinq restaurant even if you don't wish to dine there and continental breakfasts to your room even if you expressly don't want them and aren't even there to receive them.

Starting now your hi-tech room key will only work intermittently and you'll be continually asked to return to reception to get a new key as staff reboot the system.

Starting now the hotel will begin replacing the elegant Louis XIV and Louis XV furnishings with common Torquay Chintz™.

Starting now hotel guests will hold both their knives and their forks in the same hand or risk being evicted from the premises.

Starting now hotel guests will be expected to bring their own bath and bed linens. Starting now hotel accommodations in Paris will be 'fawlty'; Four Seasons management who claim they're in favour of the move get today's Super-Stupid Award.

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