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Out of Work Barbozo

He did it.

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Now that a net nanny's been applied to Apple 'engineers' there's hope for OS X Leopard users they finally might in fact get down to brass tacks and start fixing their bugs. But there'd be even greater hope if the likes of Jeffrey J Barbozo weren't continually in the way.

Barbozo is a self-acclaimed Apple 'UE engineer' - meaning he's either in or close to the nefarious group deeply ensconced in Cupertino that kept OS X on the back burner for years and - as Bill Gates once put it - forever doomed Apple to the margins. He's one of the ludicrous crew who took a look at OPENSTEP anno 1997 and decided that although it was not only market ready but also market available it was not 'dumbed down' sufficiently for their perceived demographic.

Which brings to mind Christopher McQuarrie's pièce de résistance Oscar winning screenplay The Usual Suspects and the juicy story revealed by him that the studio execs continually pressured him to dumb the screenplay down so 'ordinary people' (Apple UE engineer parlance 'the rest of us') would be able to follow along. But as history has shown, McQuarrie successfully resisted these attempts and went on to receive accolades - and an Oscar - for his work.

Yet in the hands of Jeffrey J Barbozo things might have been a lot different. And we'll have reason to return to this later in this short and sweet dismissal of the baleful fool.

Again and just to summarise: OS X as it came to Cupertino in January 1997 was not only ready for market - it was already on the market. And NeXT, the company that created this software wizardry, already had major corporate clients on Wall Street and in the likes of amongst others Dell Computer and WorldCom - all of whom to the very last immediately canceled their contracts when they heard about the new connection with Apple Computer. Jeffrey J Barbozo and his ilk were well known - they were an industry joke.

And Barbozo and his crew set about to dumb down this stellar product until it was something even their feeble minds could wrap around. And as the gap was wider than the 長江 this of course took many years. And in the meantime Microsoft were able to finally consolidate their market position and once and for all become the unchallenged kings of the personal computer and doom Apple forever to the margins (where some pundits today opine they maybe should stay for the benefit of all).

All the while Barbozo and company systematically destroyed OS X Microsoft released Windows 98, Windows 98SE, Windows 2000, Windows Me, and Windows XP. Five huge products; five huge releases. OPENSTEP could have killed them all but Jeffrey J Barbozo didn't know how to use it so a release was out of the question. All those Microsoft products made it to market in the time Barbozo and his friends were still trying to get the untouchable OPENSTEP down to a level they could almost understand.

Barbozo has gone on the record to state he's befuddled with the Rixstep Xfile Test Drive in that it requires two mouse drags instead of one to 'install'. He's also made it patently clear he has no understanding or appreciation for OS X's Unix Rock Solid Foundation™ and probably doesn't even know there's a program on his hard drive at this location much less what he would do with it. He's made it quite clear he despises all that Unix stands for and odds are better than 100% he'd break out in cold sweat if he ever had to boot into Ubuntu or SunOS.

Not a person overly obsessed with quality despite his self-assigned epithet, Barbozo finds it strange anyone would raise an eyebrow to his friend 'Punkass' dumping junk in a DMG that's years old and having no clue what happens in .Trashes when things are deleted there. In a word: Jeffrey J Barbozo's a loon.

He also states his relatives would probably not know what a 'framework item' is. This is of course most likely not true. Only people of Barbozo's exceptional lack of caliber could be so clueless - and fortunately they're rare.

He also makes the damning statement that 'most of his friends' don't know what a 'framework item' is either - which forces a number of rather uncomfortable observations.

  1. Either Barbozo has no friends in Cupertino - perfectly possible not to say probable; or
  2. The situation at One Infinite Bloop is far worse than already feared.

The Unusual MacSuspects

Back to Christopher McQuarrie - who as we remember was thankfully successful in thwarting studio execs bent on trashing his Oscar winning screenplay. But what if Jeffrey J Barbozo would have got his hands on that screenplay and done what he thought was best with it?

  • The movie would not have been released in 1995. It would have been released in 2000 instead. It would have namely taken this long to dumb it down sufficiently so even Barbozo wasn't lost and panicking in the theatre and shouting 'user friendly I demand user friendly' at the silver screen.

  • In the famous lineup there must be a big red arrow pointing down to Kevin Spacey with the clue bubble 'HE DID IT'.

  • When Gabriel Byrne and Suzy Amis stand on the street outside the police station they must see Kevin Spacey smoking the wrong way the first time. They must then cross the street in a panic and shout 'are you European or something - are you Keyser Söze?'

  • In the opening sequence a red arrow must dart out at Keyser Söze with the clue bubble 'WRONG HAND'.

  • When Kevin Spacey is first ushered into Dan Hedaya's office and begins perusing the bulletin board on the wall the camera must jump to Spacey's POV - the bulletin board - and linger on several items such as 'Guatemala' and 'orca fat'. Some of these items must also be circled or underlined in red. Clue bubbles must also be used - such as 'THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT CLUE PLEASE REMEMBER THIS CLUE'.

  • When Chazz Palminteri gets his coffee Dan Hedaya must turn to the fourth wall and point out 'I AM SERVING THIS COFFEE IN OUR FINEST POLICE STATION PORCELAIN FROM KOBAYASHI'. And he must lift one of the coffee cups so the camera can get an angle at the stamp on the bottom.

  • Every word Benicio del Toro utters must be PERFECTLY INTELLIGIBLE.

  • The police sketcher in the hospital must use a SYSTEM 7 MACINTOSH WITH PHOTOSHOP.

  • In addition all movie goers must view a special message on screen from Jeffrey J Barbozo warning them the movie still might be too difficult for them to understand AND THEY ARE NOT TO FEEL INFERIOR IF THEY AT ANY TIME CAN'T FIGURE THE STORY OUT. Theatre tickets must be printed with the toll free number 800-BARBOZO so people can call at any time during the movie and get assistance. The number must also be flashed intermittently on screen.

Barbozo Removed

Take Jeffrey J Barbozo out of the picture and suddenly your OS X is no longer the shambolic erratic chaotic mishmash of an operating system AnandTech called a 'hodgepodge'. Take him out and OS X is suddenly a contender for the dominant personal computer system on the market - both on the kitchen table and in the corporation. Take Jeffrey J Barbozo out and OS X has a truly open source kernel that's eminently accessible and easily built by all.

Take Jeffrey J Barbozo out and hardware prices are more reasonable and the manufacturers no longer have to cut corners to keep profits up. Meaning your computers are not only cheaper but more reliable. Take Jeffrey J Barbozo out and more people are able to be both safe and online at the same time.

Take Jeffrey J Barbozo out of the picture and suddenly there's little reason (or justification) for having forum patrols (that officially no longer exist) to remove threads that point out hardware flaws that are ignored and software bugs that are never fixed.

In the best of all possible worlds the baleful Apple UE 'engineer' Jeffrey J Barbozo would be out of work. And forced to find other gainful employment in his hometown city by the gay. Rixstep have learned there's a boat in San Pedro looking for hands for the return to Argentina. No prior experience required.

Although Rixstep won't assist the hapless Apple UE 'engineer' in upping his page rank they will help you find him if you really feel you must. Here's a clue: he considers himself a deity when it comes to men's backsides and chose his domain name with that in mind.

See Also
Red Hat Diaries: No.
Hotspots: launchctl Fun
Hotspots: Leo Takes a Leak
Hotspots: Reader Comments
Industry Watch: Burpin' Safari
Developers Workshop: Y.G.B.K.
Learning Curve: designable.nib
Hotspots: Leopard: OS Xhumation
Developers Workshop: Clearly Legal
Developers Workshop: Designers Gone Wild
The Technological: Writing Code in Cupertino
The Technological: Back to Work in Cupertino
Hotspots: 'You have not specified any recipients'
The Technological: Contact the Vendor for an Updated Version

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