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Woman Blames Dell for Missing Online Classes

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BANGOR MAINE (The Technological) -- Sally Sutcliffe paid more than $20000 for a Dell laptop hoping to finally be free of the woes that plague Windows. She ordered a Ubuntu system but Dell instead shipped her computer with Windows.

'I am just so totally totally pissed', Sutcliffe told The Technological. 'I've had it with Windows viruses and that menstruation ordeal Microsoft have every month on Patch Tuesday. I'm sick and tired of all the costly subscriptions to useless virus signature lists that at the end of the day can't protect a flea.'

'And I'm tired of all the empty promises that Windows is going to be better. Because it isn't. So I decided enough is enough and ordered an Ubuntu laptop instead - and you guessed it: they shipped me Windows anyway!'

Can't Get Online

Sutcliffe can't get online with her Windows computer either.

'Oh yeah I could connect as before. I have Verizon's Windows-only setup CD. But if I use that CD I just get infected all over again, don't I? I've already had my identity stolen twice. My credit card statement last year said I was ordering kefir from a café somewhere in Moscow GUM! I mean they're out there polling the IPs and as soon as you connect you're toast!'

Sutcliffe called Dell to get help but her Dell representative instead tried to convince her Windows was better than Ubuntu.

'He told me Steve Ballmer published studies which showed Windows was cheaper than open source', Sutcliffe told The Technological. 'But that's just bullshit.'

Hate Word

'And I hate Word', Sutcliffe went on, almost screaming down the wireless connection. 'I want OpenOffice for no other reason than it's made by Sun Microsystems. Those dudes know how to program. They're not losers like those retarded Microsofties!'

'Any why should I pay any more Microsoft tax? Bill Gates has already got way too much of my money!'

Something New, Something Better

Sutcliffe was excited at the prospect of finally being able to use something better than Windows.

'Something better than Windows means just about anything other than Windows and not written by Microsoft. There are a lot of choices but I chose Ubuntu. I was really looking forward to it. My sex life had already picked up just on the expectations!'

Call the Cows!

Getting absolutely nowhere with Dell Sutcliffe decided to contact WKOWTV in Madison Wisconsin as she'd heard they were geniuses when it came to personal computer operating systems.

'I got hold of someone called Cassuto. I tried to explain my situation. He kept making noises like an owl. Sounded like 'OO-BOON-TOO OO-WHO'. What a jerk. He said he had a friend named JerryLeeCooper who might be able to help but I gave up.'

See Also
Hall of Monkeys: Greg Jeschke
The Technological: JerryLeeCooper

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