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Conficker Advice from Auntie Beeb

And a few additions they seem to have inadvertently missed. File a complaint.

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Conficker is set to (possibly) wreak havoc on April Fools. This could turn out to be yet another hysteria event serving to increase sales of Windows antivirus software. Time will tell.

In celebration of the event everybody's favourite and most trusted news source today published an extremely helpful 'Q&A' for poor lusers out there.

Thank you Auntie!

But the great reporters at the BBC seem to have skipped a few rather fundamental facts. Herewith the BBC answers along with a few minor clarifications from The Technological.

Q&A: Conficker Protection

Q. What happens on 1 April 2009?
A (BBC). According to Microsoft, systems infected with the latest version of Conficker will begin to use a new algorithm to determine what websites to contact.

A (The Technological). Amazingly enough these 'security experts' who've had access to the Conficker code have no clue how it works. All they can do is make sure your Windows computer is infected too. And they're the ones you were going to buy antivirus software from? You fool.

Q. How do I know if I have been infected?
A (BBC). A rather basic test is to try and log onto an anti-virus website. Conficker blocks many of these sites in an attempt to keep users in the dark. The Conficker Working Group - a coalition of anti virus firms - offers a range of detection and repair tools as does the Internet Storm Centre. Links to both those sites are on the right hand side of this page.

A (The Technological). Oh bollocks. The question's formulated incorrectly. It should instead be 'how do I know I am NOT infected' whereupon the answer is freaking simple: if you're not running Windows you are not going to be infected. You cannot be infected. Conversely the odds are overwhelming that you ARE infected if you're running Windows.

And seriously folks: Conficker is but one of over 100,000 (ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND) malware packages out there attacking Windows. You feel safe because you didn't get infected by Conficker? What about the other 99,999? Statistically you have 24 (TWENTY FOUR) viruses on your computer right now if you're running Windows.

Q. How is it spread?
A (BBC). Conficker spreads itself across a network by exploiting a vulnerability in the Windows Server service. Microsoft have released a security update - MS08-067 - which closes that vulnerability, but as later forms of the virus can also spread via portable devices (such as memory sticks) this alone will not give you full protection.

A (The Technological). Blah blah blah blah. It spreads through Windows computers. Just like every other fucking virus in the world. You don't need to know any more. That should be enough for you to act, luser.

Q. What can I do to protect myself?
A (BBC). Antivirus protection for your computer is essential and almost every piece of antivirus software will keep you safe. However this requires that you not only install the software but keep it up to date. Most antivirus packages offer an auto-updating feature, however it is worth checking when an update was last performed and if necessary forcing it to perform a current update. Many sites also offer removal tools (see 'what do I do if I have been infected') although Conficker blocks access to many antivirus sites, which is one way for finding out if you have fallen foul of the virus.

A (The Technological). Someone from the BBC actually wrote that? Who proofread it? The milkman? Number one and most importantly: it is a BLATANT OUTRIGHT LIE that 'almost every piece of antivirus software will keep you safe'. IT IS A BLATANT OUTRIGHT LIE.

But if you really want to protect yourself and if you're willing to stop consulting the shills at the BBC for your security advice: GET OFF WINDOWS. That's all you need to do. Buy a Mac. Buy a Dell with Ubuntu. And you will immediately be safe. And you will no longer need any antivirus software. None.

Q. What other issues are there?
A (BBC). Conficker contains a password-cracking program that can break simple passwords, for example: 1234, supervisor, owner, etc - along with simple numeric passwords and birthdays. Microsoft have also advised that users disable the AutoPlay feature in Windows. This is to prevent viral code activating if a CD-ROM or USB device or other media containing an Autorun.inf file is plugged into the computer.

A (The Technological). All this is basically telling you is: Windows is a piece of crap. That with Windows you can get fucked more ways than in a Tuscany whorehouse. Windows doesn't just have a few minor weaknesses - it's CRAP through and through.

Three Matches

The HTML source to the Auntie Beeb article has three matches for the word 'Windows' according to Safari.

  1. Users of the Windows operating system should take sensible precautions to keep themselves safe.
  2. Conficker spreads itself across a network by exploiting a vulnerability in the Windows Server service.
  3. Microsoft have also advised that users disable the AutoPlay feature in Windows.

Did Joe Luser get the message? Did Joe Luser fully understand?

  • Conficker affects Windows and only Windows.
  • The over 100,000 viruses in the wild affect Windows and only Windows.

Did Joe Luser get the message? And in the interests of national security - what with Conficker having destroyed computers and networks at SCHOOLS; HOSPITALS; GOVERNMENT OFFICES; THE DEFENCE FORCES OF BRITAIN, GERMANY, AND FRANCE, GROUNDING THE FRENCH NAVY'S FIGHTER PLANES; AND THE COMPUTER NETWORK OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT - wasn't the most important thing to make sure the message got across?

Did Auntie Beeb do that? No? Then click the link. You want to 'make an official complaint'.


Thanks to the BBC for providing public service information tainted only by an almost imperceptible dependence on advertising sponsors.

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