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Stupid Dumb-ass Article from Microsoft on Why Macs are No Good

'We'll be having lolz all summer long.'
 - Bitch Boys

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Redmond (Rixstep) — Having a good time? Enjoying your summer? Things are now taking a turn for the even better. Your friendly Microsoft Corporation have a new microsite to attack Apple.

It's hilarious.

Microsoft are truly caught between a rock and the edge of the cliff. Apple pass them by in market cap and leave them farther and farther behind for each day. And recent market surveys are showing Macs as the by far computer brand of choice for university students.

And the losers in the Pacific Northwest know what that means: that in a few years Macs will dominate even the enterprise sector.

Relaxing in your hammock? Spending a day on the beach with a piña colada or two or three? Got an Internet connection? And an iPad, iPhone, or a Mac laptop? Time for some fun.

Start by Googling for 'Stupid Dumb-ass Article from Microsoft on Why Macs are No Good'.


At least one of the links on the first Google results page should lead you to the article. And admit it: you love it.

Same Old Same Old

Nothing's really changed since the CP+B attacks where they sent out of work actresses into Apple stores for a quick seven second look, only to come out again and claim they found nothing interesting, then yanked them kicking and screaming into PC stores, had them grab a wad of cash from an anonymous hand stuck out in front of the camera like street hookers, and then loudly proclaim 'congrats, you dumb-ass, you're now the befuddled owner of a piece of shit computer nobody wants'.

And it's been even more years since they tried that 'Mac to Windows switcher' campaign where the ad bureau tasked with the project couldn't come up with a single bond-fide switcher and they themselves used Macs.

Apple's Macs aren't perfect and they're not truly 'open' but they have such an overwhelming advantage over Wintel PCs today it's not funny and there's probably no turning back. After all: you have to demonstrate some smarts to get into uni and smarts imply the ability to distinguish between a hopeless crash-prone/virus-prone platform and an easy safe one.

And if you really want to walk on the wild side: you can always install Microsoft's less than lacklustre Windows Se7en right on your Mac - but Wintel PCs won't run Apple's Mac OS X. So there.

But enough of that: let's get on with the party.

Lolz All Summer Long

Here are some of the winning arguments Microsoft propose for switching from Mac to PC. And remember: some people 'can' actually switch from Mac to PC (but they won't, don't worry) but the arguments are supposedly for people who've never used a Mac before (and in the target demographic there aren't many left). As one commenter wrote:

'Microsoft - always late and always lame.'

√ The PC has Blu-ray capability, more software choices, and more! That's the title of the page. It has to be included because it's so ridiculous.

√ Macs might spoil your fun. Oh yeah. Viruses, trojans, worms, botnets - that's fun! No, you can't get Blu-ray. Apple don't believe in it. Apple stopped believing in floppies and modems too. But what does that have to do with Microsoft anyway? They don't sell computers. They might have subsidised HP in their abortive CP+B ads but they don't sell computers. They stick to a crappy operating system that's bringing down the Internet itself. Unfair comparison.

√ Most of the world's most popular computer games aren't available for Macs. A bit exaggerated but yes, there's some truth to that. The reason is simple - and it's the same thing regurgitated throughout this Internet hole in the ground they've published: stick with Windows because you've always used it. But Windows users are more and more running for their lives - and what do you think will happen to all their lovely arguments then? Pfffft.

√ Macs can take time to learn. Oh yeah! Where's my antivirus software? What about my product activation? Yeah that can really throw some people for a loop.

The truth of the matter is it always takes time to unlearn bad habits. And get this and get it good if by some quirk of fate you still haven't figured it out: Windows is a bad habit. A really bad one. Stop smoking. Drink in moderation. Don't use Windows.

√ The mouse works differently. O RLY? No further comment except: who cares?

√ Many of the shortcuts you're familiar with don't work the same way on a Mac. No - they work better. And where do you think those Windows shortcuts came from? That's right - the Mac.

√ The new Snap feature makes it easy to view two documents side by side. OK, you got us there, Microsoft! Unless of course one looks back to earlier versions of your system and to a feature called 'tile'. Which was the same thing. The ability to put two windows side by side on the same desktop - yeah that's enough reason to switch platforms! The scariest part is that the Redmond programers are probably proud of writing the code for this - a Comp Sci 101 assignment at best. That's really scary.

√ Touch and go. Yes, Wintel OEMs have the same sort of (within reason) 'tap tap' interface found on the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. But Apple's supporting devices use drivers that are rewritten for this interface.

'Touch and go' is otherwise an excellent way to describe the Windows experience - for obvious reasons.

√ Macs don't work as well at work or at school. O RLY? Yeah, that's news for all the students who prefer them. And nothing's as indestructible as a MacBook. Your Wintel hardware will crap out in no time.

√ If most of the computers in your office or school run Windows you may find it harder to get things done with a Mac. The same old argument all over again: if everybody else is using shit, you might experience incompatibilities. Aw!

√ Your documents might not look right and your spreadsheets might not calculate correctly. This is a gas considering all the issues there have been with Excel. But you don't want Apple's Numbers? Then go with OpenOffice: it's free.

√ On a Mac, out of the box, you can only encrypt your home folder. Yep. But here's the rub: full encryption on Windows is the last line of defence in a system where the last line is close to the first line as well. Why encrypt your entire hard drive? Two reasons only: because #1) you have a simplistic system layout; and #2) your system security is shit.

√ Macs don't like to share. There was a bit of truth to this once upon a time when Apple fanboys were complaining about TN2034. But that's a long time ago and those complainers have gone into hiding in northern Pakistan.

But the big issue here isn't how well Macs share but how well Windows shares: all end-user computer systems - as most web servers - run Unix today save one. The odd man out is Windows - not the Mac.

√ Macs might not like your PC stuff. No shit. They absolutely hate Conficker, the Zeus botnet, and they're not too crazy about the ~1,000,000 other Windows viruses either. (They just give them the cold shoulder.) And they laugh at anyone running antivirus software. They save you a lot of money in that regard.

Bottom Line

Perhaps the following video clip spells it out better than anything: Windows itself is a lot more expensive than Apple's OS, PCs are never going to be more than marginally cheaper, they'll never last as long, and you'll never stop pulling your hair out.

Remember: there are reputedly over 1,000,000 (one million) 'viruses' for Windows in the wild. 92-97% of all email traffic is spam generated by compromised Windows computers. Small and medium size businesses lose hundreds of millions of dollars each year because they run Windows. Identity theft is the biggest crime in the world today and it's all because of Microsoft Fucking Windows. Every security expert in the world has advised against using Windows for years.

And you're going to seriously contemplate using it because someone at your school does or there are more games?

See Also
The Technological: MSFTValue
Learning Curve: A Gullible's Travels
Learning Curve: Life Without Windows™
Red Hat Diaries: Lauren De Long's No PC
Hall of Monkeys: Portrait of the Artist as a Young Slut
Learning Curve: Microsoft: The Truth and the Consequences
The Technological: That Mystery Man with the Camera Again
Learning Curve: Life Without Windows™: The Bogus Backstory

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