OS X 10.5 Leopard

In the interest of all that is fair and just.

Get It Try It

Think Secret were wrong to reveal details of Apple's OS X 10.4 Tiger before its release but things have changed now: Microsoft are actively campaigning with an operating system that does not exist and may not exist before December 2006 if ever.

Normally leaks such as the following would therefore have to be ignored; but in the interest of all that is fair and just - here it is.

Introduction

Leopard is the super-secret next version of OS X that no one is supposed to know about yet. It's so secret that the people working on it don't even know what they are working on.

Leopard is the final step into true 64-bit computing and the first full attempt at Enterprise computing but it is much more.

Read on.

Searcher

Searcher will replace Finder. Leopard will ship with virtual reality goggles and gloves. The interior of OS X will appear in the goggles as a huge vault with slots on the sides for the various file system folders.

All a user will have to do to see the contents of any folder is raise a hand and point a finger in the direction of a slot.

Some folders contain subfolders; these folders will appear as doors the user can walk through.

Keyboard

Keyboard is the replacement for Terminal. All the user will have to do is utter the word 'keyboard' and a keyboard will appear in the goggles. This keyboard will be capable of accepting Unix FreeBSD Darwin commands. The technology behind Keyboard is so advanced that preliminary studies show the average or median user can actually type faster than at a real (physical) keyboard.

Sulu

Whenever the user wishes, Sulu can be called up. Sulu appears as a pilot with the face of chief software engineer Avie Tevanian. It is Sulu's job to take care of difficulties with software installs, permissions, and prebindings.

Scotty

Scotty is the hardware maintenance 'Sulu'. He appears as soon as the user utters 'Scotty'. Scotty appears as Sulu but with the face of Jon Rubenstein. If ever the user needs to perform a hardware diagnostic or is in the least unsure of the box, Scotty will come to the rescue.

Bones

Bones is the resident shrink. The user calls up Bones by uttering 'Bones'. Bones and a leather sofa will appear. The user is then encouraged to lay down on the sofa.

Bones is used whenever the user feels shaky and is contemplating migrating back to Windows. Normal sessions with Bones are expected to take less than one minute and tests in focus groups show they never fail.

Chekov

Chekov will replace Dashboard. The user simply submits a 'Dashboard' idea to Chekov who writes the widget and runs it.

Tiberius

The new name of the superuser account on OS X Leopard will be Tiberius, but the authority of this superuser will be 'granular' - that is to say Tiberius will not have access to all system resources.

To engage resources beyond the control of Tiberius, the user will collaborate with a second superuser known as Spock.

Spock

When logged in as Tiberius and in need of further assistance, the user will simply utter 'SPOCK DO SOMETHING', give the 'split finger salute' with either glove, and Spock will appear.

Spock is the most intelligent of the OS X helpers and completely unemotional. It is Spock who will solve issues even the mighty Tiberius cannot handle.

Klingons

Sulu, Scotty, Bones, Chekov, Tiberius, and Spock will automatically scramble whenever Klingon attacks are imminent - that is to say whenever mail or other Internet communications emanating from Windows computers are at the ports and attempting to break in.

Attacks can be as innocuous as pleas for help from friends on Windows, run over once again by another one hundred thousand trojans and zombies and keystroke loggers.

No mercy is shown: the potential intruders are categorically denied entry and turned away.

Release

Apple OS X 10.5 Leopard is expected to hit retailers before the end of 2006.