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Jobs Out Gores In
It might be 1 April but this is not a joke. Unfortunately.
Cupertino, California (Rixstep) -- The door didn't even swing shut on Avie Tevanian. Another historic figure with Apple Computer was out the door as well - legendary cofounder Steve Jobs. Shockwaves had no chance to subside when the next bombshell hit: Jobs will be replaced by the Gores - not Al Gore alone but Al and Tipper Gore both.
According to Apple Insider, Jobs and Tevanian are going to take it easy for a while. Jobs still has his board seat at Disney but otherwise will attempt to 'chill out' just like Avie. The icons expressed vague plans to run a new startup aimed at giving the world a new sophisticated personal computer more in line with academic tastes.
'Which is what we originally planned at NeXT', said a tired looking Tevanian. 'But everyone sees how that turned out.'
Out with the old: departing Apple chief of software Avie Tevanian and Apple cofounder Steve Jobs.
In a hastily convened meeting of the Apple board of directors, now reduced to six because of Jobs' departure, Al Gore was unanimously voted as the new CEO of the Cupertino company and his wife Tipper was appointed to fill Jobs' vacant board seat.
'We've always liked working together and making out together', the erstwhile US presidential candidate said. Of their vote for Gore, several board members pointed out the physical similarities between the former Apple leader and Gore, citing 'form over function' and also the fact that Gore has previously been successful at sporting a typical Steve Jobs beard and leisure clothes.
Gore also indicated Tipper's work will extend beyond the Apple board. 'The iTunes division has sold over two billion songs and now that we have the demographic it's time to be a little more selective.' [When questioned about his sales statistic Gore replied that his people were asking for a recount.] At Apple Tipper will indeed be in charge of the iTunes division and head of the new PCM® project.
'PCM - or Parental Control Module, a system we'll be marketing as iMom - is a system for minors we're planning to introduce by September', said Tipper. 'It works with iPod ear bulbs. A small RFID is operated into your child's ear. This effectively controls what your child can and cannot listen to and what your child can and cannot download from the iTunes Music Store.'
But iMom will also make it possible for parents to eavesdrop on their children. It picks up sound not only from the iPod but from the environment. 'Although with the iPod blasting that might be difficult - and so our new volume caps', explained Tipper. 'And iMom is a two way communication device - parents can also send their children messages.'
Already the Electronic Frontier Foundation and the American Civil Liberties Union are in an uproar. The EFF warn that parents will be using iMom to spy on their children when they're having sex, when they're going to the bathroom, when they're ******bating, when they're partying and drinking alcohol and smoking bud, and so forth. The ACLU also regard iMom as an invasion of privacy. 'We thought Apple were against Big Brother', said a spokesperson. 'But it seems they've always loved Big Mother.'
Al Gore and wife making out at the hastily called press conference. There was no tongue.
Tipper Gore does not agree. 'The extra features come with the technology', she told reporters, 'but they're not going to be used. Our sole concern is the quality of music our children are listening to. Six out of ten songs on the iTunes top ten list today contain hidden satanic messages; three of the top ten selling albums openly advocate devil worship. This has to change - and we are going to change it.'
Born Mary Elizabeth Aitcheson, Tipper Gore was a photographer for the Nashville Tennessean until her husband was elected to the US Congress in 1976. Hailed by some as the inventor of rock 'n' roll, she is hailed in modern classics such as 'Startin' Up a Posse', 'Shelter Me', 'If White America Told the Truth for One Day Its World Would Fall Apart', 'KKK Bitch', 'White America', 'Lovely', and 'Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock'. 'They're all great records and it's an honour to be so loved and respected', said a decidedly humbled Tipper. 'It proves my work with John Denver and Dee Snyder was not in vain.'
Born Albert Arnold Gore Jr, Al Gore is the father of the Internet. He now lives with his wife in Nashville Tennessee. 'Tipper has to be close to the music - both kinds, country and western', he said.