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The Gozerian Returns

At last a plausible explanation.

CUPERTINO (Rixstep) — Gozer the Gozerian, also known as Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, The Traveler; the Sumerian shapeshifting god and the natural enemy of mankind (much like Unsanity products) is believed to have taken the form of an Apple G5 Power Mac computer.

For some time Apple computer users have experienced strange phenomena such as screen remnants, inconsistent file system behaviour, lost mail messages, and the odd security vulnerability. At the same time the hardware division of the Cupertino company have been plagued with a series of embarrassing flaws in their latest line of laptop computers such as extreme (95°C) overheating, flaking paint, orange brown spots, inexplicable deposits of what appeared to be thermal grease, irritating screen lines, mooing, whining, and more.

These phenomena were previously thought to be unrelated; they now appear to tie together.

Gozer's returning!


Slimer is a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, a class five full roaming vapour. He is believed to be the personal mascot of Gozer the Gozerian.

Slimer's nasty - he loves to slime things. Where Slimer is, Gozer's never far behind.

Slimer loves hot dogs.

Sad Stories

Those unfamiliar with Gozer or Slimer are still able to figure out their computers are haunted.

In a post entitled 'HELP!!! Mystery iBook is haunted, won't start some times, only in my room' Apple discussion forum visitor zyl41 writes:

Dear All, My iBook has caused me a lot of frustration ever since I bought it Dec. 2005. It some times won't boot up, but will be perfectly OK other times.

I've tried to take it to the Genius Bar a couple of times, but they couldn't reproduce the problem so just sent me back, refusing to exchange a normal one for me.

The guy at the Genius Bar suggested me to try booting up the iBook in another room next time it won't boot up. I tried it, and strangely enough, whenever I took it to another room (e.g. kitchen, living room), it is OK then.

Do I have to live with an iBook that is defected from now on? I feel really unhappy that you spend money to get something that has problems. What is my best option? Also, what is it about my room that my computer even can't live there?

In a post entitled 'I think my Power Mac is haunted' Mac Forums visitor Xephian writes:

Last night, my Power Mac kept waking up from sleep; it's happened twice last night within a ~4 hour period before I just shut it down.

It's not on any kind of scheduled sleep. It has only said a message once on the second time it's happened, it said a device has not been properly removed. But I'd thought that removing a device while it's sleep doesn't wake it up.

The most important thing for these people is finding others who are ready to believe them.

Selenium .325

Apple computers are ideal conduits for Gozer the Traveler, constructed as they are with aluminium, titanium, magnesium tungsten alloys, and occasionally Selenium .325. No other computer manufacturers use these exact metal combinations or structural models.

The Evidence

Deposits of ectoplasm on Apple Power Mac computers, slimed by the Gozerian mascot. PKE readings of the two computers below were right off the top of the scale. They buried the needle.

Postscript 2006-06-18

New evidence the dead are rising from their graves.

Gozer Quotes

Never before in the Cupertino company's speckled history have there been so many embarrassing - not to say infuriating - issues with their overpriced lock-in hardware. The following quotes come from Apple's own discussion forums. They're reproduced here because Apple have a propensity for deleting any posts that give their stellar company a bad name. And Apple, true to their spirit, pretend nothing is wrong. How they under these circumstances intend to make inroads against Microsoft's hegemony is a mystery.

Becoming very disapointed in the quality of this machine. This started happening only days after the trackpad button stopped working properly. I hadn't even made arrangements to get that fixed, and now my battery has apparently exploded. If there was a lemon law for computers, I would send this one back in a heart beat. With this many issues cropping up, cost of operation on this thing will be outrageous when the warranty expires.
 - garrison257 on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

Interesting note on these batteries. They are lithium polymer rather than a typical lythium battery. I think I have read that the energy density is higher and it makes it possible to build smaller batteries. But when these are completely discharged, the results are a lot more dire than with a normal battery. It's supposedly not able to allow itself to be fully discharged though, so go figure.
 - garrison257 on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I had a look at the battery and, yes, the internal side had buckled outward, far enough to put pressure on the panel above. So my trackpad button problem is a side effect of the failing battery.
 - garrison257 on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

The EXACT same thing happened to me. I was seconds away from flipping out and screaming at Apple about how my battery was swelling and my trackpad button was failing (miserably) and I got my hands on this thread.
 - Corey M on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I'm having the same issue. My battery is swelling outwards rather than inwards. I'm also having the accompanying random shutdowns. This experience, combined with the whine, heat, and AirPort issues, have me concluding the MacBook Pro is one of the crappiest pieces of hardware I've ever purchased and by far the crappiest Mac I've ever purchased.
 - aranganath on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I had a swollen battery as well. Apple replaced it after some complaining. Actually, they replaced my entire week 8 MBP, as it had:

- swollen battery
- wouldn't start up
- sudden shutdowns when it did start up previously
- partially melted magsafe cable

I had to really get serious with them about replacement. They wanted to replace the logic board first.
 - dingo_tty on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I am going to give them a call and complain until they give me a new computer. This is pathetic.

* 5 dead pixels from day 1
* random shutdowns
* extremely annoying whine
* swelling battery
* malfunctioning trackpad button
 - Corey M on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I got a MacBook Pro in mid February. Always seemed to be running hotter than my old Powerbook but heard that this was normal. Then the MBP would shutdown with the battery showing more than a 90% charge and would not restart unless running off the AC converter. Took the MBP to a local dealer who returned it to Apple. It came back (three weeks later) with a new logic board, new fans, and a new battery. The returned machine is much cooler that it was. I'm not sure what was wrong, but something got fixed!
 - gocards on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

They were not very helpful when I asked about the excessive heat from the laptop. He did tell me that the laptop was not to be put on your 'lap' and should be a on a hard surface. I told him that it also gets extremely hot when it is in my bag and sleeping. In response to that he stopped just short of telling me not to put it to sleep. The fact that 'it has an Intel chip in it and they get very hot' was also repeated over and over. Ugh.
 - david pitkin on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I'm pretty sure I could fry an egg on the underside. I may have to prove this one day.
 - pardonator on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

I noticed the same exact problem this weekend. My Macbook Pro started shutting down randomly when running on the battery. I noticed the bulging on the battery. The problems have gotten worse over the last few days.
 - Craigery on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

It's a right pain trying to make sure the magsafe stays in. I get paranoid I'm gonna knock it off.
 - pardonator on the MacBook Pro at the Apple discussion forums

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