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Courageous Tree Stump

Some people don't deserve to use a Mac.

 Maybe I'd better start with explaining the name of this site as it admittedly sounds fruity. I had a dream as a kid: I wanted to be a tree stump. They would use me in the circus. I would run away from home and be world famous. And everywhere people would talk about the 'Courageous Tree Stump'. So that's it. That's all. I am not a pervert. Thank you.

I might not be a pervert but I am a life long Mac user and everyone in my family is a lifelong Mac user before me. In my family we marry young. My mother was only ten when I was born - she was a late bloomer, she told me. Things were very crowded in our Winnebago for a while after I came along. Things were tough. My father was a cesspool repairman and he stunk like shit.

We didn't have a lot of money but all the money we ever had we spent on Macs. Long live the Mac! Long live Steve Jobs! Steve Jobs was great! The Mac was more than a computer - it was a cult! Suddenly my life had meaning. I didn't have to do a lot with my Mac - it just being there was enough. I first got to play with an old dusty 1984 Mac. There were two programs on it. I had great fun.

Of late there's been a lot of talk about Internet standards and even security holes in the latest MacOS, and I'd like to explain: there are no holes in Mac OS X and as for Internet standards WE DON'T CARE! We want our Macs as lovely and as cuddly as ever and WE DON'T CARE ABOUT INTERNET STANDARDS!

People will always regard us as freaks. Our computers will never have more than 5% of the market anyway - so who cares? It's actually better being a marginal player - then we don't have to worry about security holes! No one will want to attack!

Avie Tevanian. Who is this person? Who is this presumptuous person coming to work at Apple and thinking he can change everything? If we had wanted things to change, we would have seen they changed! After all, we're the Mac community and we're the most important part of the equation!

Macs have always been good. Even the ones that didn't work. They were still better than PCs. PCs suck dirt and PC users can eat shit and die. They suck! And some Macs do work, so what's the problem? People forget that Apple are a company like any other and without revenues they can't survive. Yes I know Macs are way overpriced, but in our market they're not! Apple need our money and I'm glad to contribute.

And all these doom-sayers saying this is the year of the MacOS exploit. What nonsense! MacOS is the MOST SECURE OPERATING SYSTEM IN THE HISTORY OF OUR PLANET! And if there is a hole and Apple do not patch that hole immediately THERE MUST BE A VERY GOOD REASON. So shut up and stop whining. You make me sick.

NeXTSTEP: I saw NeXTSTEP once. In a magazine. It was OK - BUT IT WAS NOT A MAC! I can admit that Steve Jobs did some good things with NeXT - but it wasn't Apple, it wasn't the same thing. I can't argue about buying NeXTSTEP for $429 million but if they really thought they were going to release that user unfriendly piece of shit on MY MAC they had another thing coming!

Fortunately they weren't that dumb, as history proves. Yes, it took them five years to get Mac OS X out the door - but this is because it's a LOT OF HARD WORK bringing any system up to Mac standards.

Anyway, I'm glad that devil Avie Tevanian is gone. Now they got somebody called Bertram Sorbet or something like that running the show and he knows where his bread is buttered - he doesn't dare contradict us Mac lovers! So things are going to get better starting now.

About the ad campaign. I've seen it too and I think it's really cool. Go Apple! But I have some criticism. I think there are a few things left out.

The guy dressed up as a PC - he's OK. He looks bad and that's what PCs are. But the d00d dressed up as a Mac - no way! I don't see any piercings, I don't see any tattoos either - what kind of Mac lover is that?

There are people who say Apple should contrast the PC guy with LOTS of different types of Mac lovers to show the world ANYONE can use a Mac. BUT ANYONE CANNOT USE A MAC! A Mac is a very special thing! Not everyone is asked to be able to use a Mac! It's special! It's a privilege! And we don't want business people using them. That is totally uncool!

There are people who say Apple need revenues from business people. No! We Mac lovers don't care about revenues! If it comes to that - I'll just go out and buy a PC.

Anyway, now a little more about me. I have piercings and tattoos and I'll be publishing some shots soon on my .Mac homepage. I like to hang out at Apple Slashdot and Macslash and MacNN and MacMinute and MacFixIt and Mac OS X Hints. I don't understand everything but I think it's cool.

I also own an iPod shuffle and an iPod U2 and I think Bono is the greatest human being alive after Steve Jobs. I'm planning to attend Macworld next year.

There's an Apple store in my neighbourhood and I hang out there too. There are some pretty cool guys working there and they really know their shit. Sometimes I hang out at the Genius Bar just to listen - to try to learn. They're really cool.

Right now I'm saving up for an Intel Mac. Everybody was whining how they got lied to about PowerPC architecture and how it was so much better than Intel and how the PowerPC was 64-bit and the Intel is only 32-bit - stop your whining! We can't always understand what Steve Jobs is doing, but are we supposed to? That's why he's our leader, right? He knows this stuff far better than we do.

And all those pessimists saying MacOS is going to get hit by viruses now that Apple use Intel - oh really! I never said - and I never will say - MacOS will not have viruses. I only said it will have FEWER viruses. If you look at the statistics you see that MacOS has NO VIRUSES! And that Oompa/Leap.A thing - it wasn't a virus anyway! It was a TROJAN! So JUST SHUT UP!

I love the way the Microsoft owned press try to FUD Apple. Now they have an AP story going - and because it's an AP story everyone can run it. And when you go to Google News it looks like all these people are running similar stories just because they all picked up the AP story! What nonsense!

What do they think is going to hit next? Poltergeists! Haha! That's ludicrous. It doesn't matter why the Mac is less exploited than the PC - only that it is. And as for widening the market share - who says we're going to do that? We're happy, the board of directors of Apple are happy, Steve Jobs has Disney and he's ecstatic - so who wants more market share?

By next week I should have my first shipment of Courageous Tree Stump silk underwear ready for you to buy. It's unisex underwear made from the finest silk. One size fits all. I'm going to have RSS feeds here and those who buy at least one six-pack of my Courageous Tree Stump underwear will get a SPECIAL RSS FEED THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN GET.

I love my Mac. I have never touched a PC in my life. One time I was invited to a party and there was this study and on the desk was a PC. I quickly covered my nose and mouth with a handkerchief and asked to be excused. I ran the whole way home to our Winnebago. I WILL NEVER TOUCH A PC.

And there are those who think Terminal is cool. What's the matter with you - are you PC lovers or something? You don't deserve to use a Mac!

OK, that's all for now. By next week I'll have my PayPal and eSellerate accounts set up and you're all welcome to come back and buy my underwear. Until then - long live the Mac! And if there are any late breaking secrets before then, I will still publish them. I have a lot of friends in Cupertino.


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